DarrenBarefoot.com

I'm Coming Out

I have a secret affection for The Gilmore Girls. There, I said it. It's like an enormous weight has been lifted off me. I'm liberated. But really, it's a really funny show. The dialogue has some of the wit of Buffy at a West Wing pace. The acting is decent and the situations are pretty undramatic. The smalltown mundanity of it kind of appeals to me. I compare this with Six Feet Under, a show I really wanted to like but just couldn't. Everyone on that show was utterly wacked, and every week there seemed to be some ridiculously melodramatic battle between them. I appreciate how well-adjusted the characters on The Gilmore Girls are. To those doubters out there, I must cite a reference that truly impressed me in tonight's episode (and I'm rarely impressed by television). In the middle of a scene, one character said to the other, "have we been here before?" and the other replied "I recognize that tree." This is a direct quote from Beckett's Waiting for Godot, not the sort of thing you usually hear on the WB. Of course it helps that both of the female leads are hot brunettes.

Gone to Calgary

For the next three days, I'll be in lovely (who knows? I've never been there) Calgary attending and speaking at the Soceity for Technical Communicators conference. It's going to be a party.

Can you feel the sarcasm? Technical writers (and I speak as an occasional one myself) are a frumpy and grumpy bunch. They also tend to be overly serious--they're a tough room. Scott Adams hit the nail on the head when he created Tina the Technical Writer (she needs a fan site) for Dilbert.

What is there to do in Calgary, anyway? Any suggestions? I do want to check out the Barron building, a cool Art Deco office building that now houses a theatre and galleries. I just read about it in issue three of Toro magazine.

In short, I'll be blogging only occasionally over the next few days.

Fark PhotoShop Contest: Childhood Nightmares

A quality, disturbing Fark PhotoShop contest wherein the theme was childhood nightmares. They're all pretty frightening, but I particularly like this one and this one. Ah, evil clowns and the monster in the closet, my strange bed fellows.

New Tools for the Cuckold

While searching for something related to the musical Chicago, I happened upon one of the following links. Coincidentally, I received a spam email for another such link. Is the universe trying to tell me something? The following are three products for determining, in fairly creative ways, whether your spouse is cheating on you: Chatcheaters.com brings us the ominously named Spector. Spector is spyware tha apparently 'records all their email, chats, keystrokes and Web site visits'. I particularly like the product endorsement stories from suffering partners. Of a similar ilk but far more fiendish is Lover Spy. "Using this very web site, you can very easily send Lover Spy as an e-greeting card. The e-card looks just like a normal e-greeting card but silently, this e-card will secretly install our award-winning spy software on their PC!" I find this hard to believe, and it certainly wouldn't work for Linux or Mac users, who can apparently cheat with inpunity. I particularly like the box graphic, shown at left. From software to wetware: "the Original CheckMate Infidelity Test Kit will quickly and easily monitor your spouse's sexual activity outside of the relationship by detecting traces of semen left in their undergarments after sex." Sure, I suppose this works for women, but what if your man's just a big wanker (literally, I mean)? More testimonials, of course.

You know who I feel sorry for? Private investigators. Used to be, you'd hire a gumshoe to keep tabs on your honey. Alas, another job rendered obsolete by technology.

There was also a story in the paper on the weekend about cheating Italians being hosed by their mobile phones.

Inventor of Ctrl-Alt-Del Found, Beaten

Slashdot links to a story about David Bradley, the IBM engineer who, in 1980, devised Ctrl-Alt-Del and so set in motion the eventual destruction of civilization:

The original idea was simply to reset early PCs without turning them off. Microsoft adopted control-alt-delete to help ensure people powered down correctly, then to handle "administrative functions" such as the vital "end task" feature for computer software that crashes or otherwise gets stuck.

Bradley chose the control and alt keys because he needed two shift keys to make the operation work, and he chose the delete key because it was on the opposite side of the keyboard. He didn't want people to hit control-alt-delete by accident.

I like how Bradley also says that "then it turned out that this reset was a problem-solver for people who were writing the programs and writing the instruction manuals." They're always blaming the technical writers.

Required: Laptop for Loan or Rent

Strictly for local readers: I'm speaking at a conference later this week in Calgary. As such, I need a laptop to do the Powerpoint thing. I have one option, but it's hardly ideal (it's my wife's, and a lovely laptop, but she needs it to, you know, earn a living and such). So, does anybody have a laptop they want to loan or rent me for this Wednesday to Friday. My requirements are pretty minimal: It needs to be able to run PowerPoint, and I need to be able to transfer data to it (via floppy, CD or network connection). If you can hook me up, email me at darren at darrenbarefoot dot com.

UPDATE: Todd (from http://www.holycola.net, current broken and enjoying a holy coma) has hooked me up with a brand-spakin' new laptop. He is a superstar.

A Changing City

You don't have to be a Vancouverite to appreciate these panoramic before/after photos of Vancouver. The City's Web site features photo comparisons of several downtown views between 1978 and 2003. You'll need to use Internet Explorer, and you should scroll right after you click the 2003 button to see the fade in action.

The difference, predictably, is remarkable. In particular, the view looking west from the Cambie St. bridge is barely recognizable 25 years ago. Kudos to the city for undertaking a project like this--our tax dollars at work.

I Saw an Awful Thing This Weekend

I was out walking on Friday evening, and was near a busy downtown intersection. I watched a racoon trot out from the bushes and hustle across the road. Just then, this Trans Am comes hurtling through the intersection. I turned away at the last second, but heard a sickening thud.

When I looked back, the racoon was still moving, sliding maybe thirty feet. It lay on its back, amazingly still alive. The bastard in the Trans Am drove off. I stood there for a second, unsure of what to do. I decided to call the SPCA, but before I could, the racoon stood up and staggered off into the bushes. I flagged down a police car not thirty seconds later, but the cop explained that it would take the SPCA at least a half-hour to get there, and the racoon would be long gone. True, I suppose. I can't imagine it lasted very long after that.

Link-Round Up: Grooming

• Shaving your cat's nose.
• Awful plastic surgery.
• Wilderness grooming.
• Gallery of Hippie Horrors.

I wanted to get to five, but only had four at the moment. Anybody got a fifth wacky personal grooming site?

World Cup Posters

		One more soccer-related item, as that seems to have become today's theme (thank you, Mayor Slungård). While looking at the FIFA site, I rediscovered this wonderful gallery of World Cup posters. They're all amazing, and are like a survey course: History of Graphic Design in the 20th century. FIFA's entire archive section is pretty impressive. My favourite is Italy in 1934. I think I want to buy this poster.

Soccer and Gender

While I'm thinking about soccer, a headline from the Vancouver Courier irritated me this week. They had a lengthy and decent piece about Canada's national women's soccer team and their participation in the World Cup. The pull quote on the article read:

Women's national soccer players like Christine Sinclair used to struggle for recognition-now they're outperforming the senior men's team and have their eyes on the Women's World Cup.

This is a bit like saying your local softball team is outperforming the Mariners because your squad made the playoffs. The international women's game is still in its infancy. Consider these facts:

• FIFA ranks 204 nations that have international men's teams. They rank maybe 80 women's teams.
• There have only been 3 women's World Cups, the first one having occurred in 1991. The first men's tournament occurred in 1930.
• Few women's programs existed before 1985.

So, it's like apples and oranges. The quotation is not only inaccurate and a little provocative, but it also does a disservice to our men's team, who have toiled in obscurity for years.

Most of the rest of the world (and I mean the whole world here) has been producing soccer players for longer than Canada has been a country. While the English and the Germans were experimenting with a 4-2-4 setup, we were trapping beavers and building sod houses.

Don't get the wrong idea here...I've actually watched the women's teams' games (so many plurals!). I've been a little disappointed with their effort, but hopefully they're saying it for the next round (assuming they get past Japan tomorrow). For the reasons I've outlined above, the soccer isn't as good as the men's World Cup, but it's still entertaining.

In truth, I actually love watching my nation compete in any sport. While living in Ireland, I got quite excited watching Canada compete (and, remarkably, win a game) in the World Cup of Cricket.

He Got Beard

		This photo (and many others) brought to you by the World Beard and Moustache Championships, hosted this year by Carson City, Nevada. Interestingly, the northern European countries seem to be big on this badboy. Germany has hosted it four times, Sweden once and Norway once. It costs $25 to enter. I've got a little over a month...do you think I could get something this fancy?
		While I was verifying that I'd correctly identified Trondheim as a Norweigian city, I went to their Web site. And you know what? Their mayor (one Anne K. Slungård) is kind of cute. Our mayor isn't cute at all. I also love this note about their soccer stadium, "where many a mighty European football team has fallen to the powerful perennial contender in the Champions League - Rosenborg Ballklub." Perhaps the translator misunderstood the term 'contender'.

Book Tracker

Some enterprising soul has designed JungleScan, a sort of stock ticker for Amazon products. It enables you to track the sales ranking of a book over time. So, for example, you can see how UML for Java Programmers has (inexplicably) grown in popularity by 689%. This is all possible because Amazon, in a fairly uncorporate move, much of their database and programmatical content to the world.

This came from Neil Gaiman's site, where he discusses tracking one of his books. He also talks about being stalked in Finland...what a strange life he must have.

Mennäänkö avantoon uimaan?

Entertaining article in Fortune magazine (a rarity) about Finland's sauna culture:

In a country where golfing can be a frigid experience, the sauna has a reputation as a place where negotiations happen and deals are struck. Throughout much of the Cold War—during which Finland remained the only autonomous state on the Soviet Union's western border—Finnish President Urho Kekkonen entertained Soviet apparatchiks with elaborate sauna parties that are now legend. "The whole sauna culture evolved to a different level" during this period, says the Finnish trade commissioner, Lasse Baldauf.

This is pretty commonplace. I had a colleague who worked in Finland for a while, and regularly held meetings in the sauna, buck naked. Because saunas are segregated by gender, there's something of a 'steamed-glass ceiling' for the female half of the workforce. The same apparently goes for the company moose hunts.

The title of this entry means 'Shall we go into the hole in the ice for a swim?'

Cool Hi-Tech Office

Software guru Joel Spolsky recently renovated some new office space for his company Fog Creek. His requirements for the space were insightful, and typical of a software startup:

* Private offices with doors that close were absolutely required and not open to negotiation.
* Programmers need lots of power outlets. They should be able to plug new gizmos in at desk height without crawling on the floor.
* We need to be able to rewire any data lines (phone, LAN, cable TV, alarms, etc.) easily without opening any walls, ever.
* It should be possible to do pair programming.
* When you're working with a monitor all day, you need to rest your eyes by looking at something far away, so monitors should not be up against walls.
* The office should be a hang out: a pleasant place to spend time. If you're meeting your friends for dinner after work you should want to meet at the office.

I've always had a passing interest in office ergonomics, and always enjoyed those articles in Wired at the height of the dot-com boom about weird and wonderful office configurations. Joel's approach seems wise and financially-responsible.

Check My Googleness

I usually don't like to get all self-reflexive on this site, but I needed to blow my own horn (huh?) for a moment. Guess who's first among the 4,570,000 Google search results for technical documentation (right above HP and Apple, I might add). That's right, me. Thanks entirely to my Hall of Technical Documentation Weirdness, which I plan to update this weekend. There is a small subset of my readership who will recognize this for the tiny, geeky success that it is.

Curious Job Enquiry

Earlier in the week, I was contacted by a recruiter about a technical writing position in, of all places, Qatar. Check out this description:

The position includes a tax-free salary, an outstanding benefits package (housing, utilities, children's' (up to 4) education to grade 12, medical, dental, pharmaceutical, life/disability insurance, attractive paid vacation, annual round trip airfares, and much more). The location of Qatar is safe, exciting and the company itself is progressive and dynamic.

My interest was piqued, but the position is in the oil and gas industry, and they've got some very steep chemical engineering requirements. If anyone is interested, email me (note that the address is spam-protected) and I'll forward you the details.

Caption Contest

My friend and racing-nut Alan sent me this photo of champion jockey Kieran Fallon. It is prime for a witty caption. Got any? The best I've got is Kieran weathers his own little Hurricane Isabel. Lame, I know. Please do better.

Locks of Love

Locks of Love is a weird but admirable charity:

We meet a unique need for children throughout the United States by using donated hair to create the highest quality hair prosthetics. Most of the children helped by Locks of Love have lost their hair due to a medical condition called alopecia areata, which has no known cause or cure. The prostheses we provide help to restore their self-esteem and their confidence, enabling them to face the world and their peers.

While I'm sure they help thousands of kids, I'm picturing a scenario here. What happens when the Nelson Muntz's of the world discover that you're wearing a wig? In the eyes of the school bully, aren't you better off bald? After all, I can immediately think of a few bald icons--Michael Stipe, that guy on Smallville, Dr. Evil--but not many wig-wearers.

A Visit to Found Magazine

Though I've never actually read an issue, I know that Found Magazine is a wonderful thing. It's basically a magazine that publishes found documents and photos. I mentioned it here a few months ago, but it bears repeating. I hadn't been to their site in a while, but got their email newsletter today (way to market effectively), so I visited. This one was great:

This list is an entire novel in twelve items. In particular, item #10 'sew PC up', is so brilliantly ambiguous. This note is kind of eerie, but it has a great finish. I'm sure somebody who knows about handwriting analysis can comment on how the writer's letters slope more and more forward as she writes.

I must actually try to purchase a dead-tree edition.

Punisher Web Site

You know, normally I don't go in for cryptic, flashly-flash-and-the-flash-gang movie sites but the new Punisher site rocks. Its textless interface is pretty intuitive, and it captures the style of the comic book well. I was never a huge fan of the comic, and have not seen the ill-advised Dolph Lundgren version, but I look forward to this film.

Fark Contest du Jour

This Fark contest (unsafe, I suppose, for really conservative working environments) made me laugh out-loud a couple of times. The theme is 'If the cover of computer books had Harlequin romance covers.' Though it didn't garner many votes, this one is definitely my favourite. The expression on the marmoset's (?) face is priceless.

While reviewing the entries, I followed a link to this book, in the Medical Romance series from Harlequin. Medical romance? That seemed a little weird until I discovered the diversity of Harlequin offerings. I must get reading:

Of course, Swan was trained to notice such things, but the man's legs were so long he must have had his blue jeans specially made. And who could miss the way he'd planted himself, his hips canted at an angle that emphasized their narrowness and the wide rake of his shoulders. The expression on his face was priceless, too. Bemused and quizzical, faintly suspicious. Male.

Three From Slashdot

Today we get three nifty items from Slashdot:

• Fortune designed an experiment: give three geeks US$15,000 and three days to bring a family of four up to date with technology.
• A contest to breed the oldest mouse. When I first saw the topic heading on Slashdot, I assumed it was about finding the oldest computer mouse. That'd be a nifty contest too.
• Some writer advocating using vi as your word processor. Where's the thesaurus?

Link Round-Up: Books

Some links about books:

• Technically speaking an online magazine, Nerve did publish a forgettable collection a couple of years ago. Their Unsexy List is more entertaining, and questionably safe for work.
• Yep, Dr. Laura's still evil.
• I don't go in for much literary snobbery anymore, but I must concur that this is the most depressing book cover in history. Oh wait, I stand corrected. From the excellent Cup of Chica.
• My BookCrossing bookshelf...I must release some more volumes.
• Twelve books you should never, ever read. All right, thirteen.
• Slashdot readers are posturing for mod points, in the hopes that their question makes it to Neil Gaiman. This question freaked me out, but I hope he answers it.

C-level Bosses

Just to be clear, horoscopes are a big load of bollocks. Here's my IT horoscope for September:

It's time to wrap up a long-term project you inherited. Don't be afraid to set aside the old tried-and-true, especially when dealing with technology past its prime. New career opportunities raise your confidence and enthusiasm, so be sure to say "yes" to everything that comes your way. Finding new ways for individuals and groups to communicate becomes a priority towards after the new moon on September 27. Although your workload may increase, you will feel more relaxed and less like a firefighter. That's because you're finally acting proactively instead of reactively. One bit of caution: Be sure to double-check facts before offering your opinion to C-level bosses.

What's a C-level boss? I work for myself. Does that make me my own C-level boss? My personal keyword is legacy application, as in 'some days I feel like I'm a legacy application in a loosely-coupled world.'

Where Has the Sex Gone?

Growing up, my parents had a clear policy on movies: the sex was no big deal, but I wasn't allowed to see violent films. These days, the reverse seems to be the de facto policy. Though there's more sheets of blood and gunplay than ever, there seems to be less sex than ever before in Hollywood movies. Maybe my perception of sexual content has changed, but it seems to me that the Eighties and ealy Nineties were chock-full of randy films like Basic Instinct or Damage. In these Republican, conservative times, the most trouser-raising we can get from Hollywood is the occasional implied hummer or naked flank.

Once again, one has to look abroad for quality sexual content. Y tu mama tambien, for example, is a clever, sexy coming-of-age film. I haven't seen it, but Baise Moi was controversially full of sex, violence and violent sex.

I know there was plenty of talk about sex at the Toronto Film Festival, but that's hardly Hollywood, is it?

Another Thing About Underworld

I neglected to mention this in my original comments, but here's another detail that irked me. Halfway through the film, an elder vampire is awakened after a couple hundred years (I'm not clear on exactly how long, but it's been a while). Not only does his accent seem to migrate from Dallas, Texas to Sussex, England, but he speaks with modern lingo. Has he been listening to Berlitz language tapes? Where are all the prithee's and alas's and the like? And isn't he a little shocked to see cars and guns and computers and such?

I was reminded of this thought by this excellent review from NewMoanYeah: 'It's like the AV club and the Young Astronauts are having a turf war, only no one has any batteries or rocket fuel. Also, there are a lot more long overcoats.'

BBSpot Runs My Story

One Man Star Wars Trilogy

Last night I went to the 'Pick of the Fringe' and saw my former classmate Charles Ross use the Force in his excellent One Man Star Wars Trilogy. In an hour, he runs through the essential (and sometimes non-essential) bits of all three movies, pausing twice for drinks of water. It is a remarkably manic performance. He sweats excessively, and never stops moving for the hour.

He flies the ships, does all the voices, sings the music and fights the battles. His mimicry is remarkably well-observed. From the gentle heaving of the X-Wing fighters to Yoda's cane work, he gets all of the details right. His rendition of the music is particularly effective, and proves a handy transitional shorthand between scenes. It's like watching an eight-year-old playing in his backyard. When the death stars blow up, Charles skips around the stage making explosion noises like everyone of us did in 1983.

In short, it's a show worth seeing. One Man Star Wars Trilogy is held over at the Waterfront Theatre through Sept. 28. For those of you not in Vancouver, look for it at upcoming Fringe Festivals.

As a bonus Star Wars-related link, here's a wicked fan film: The Way of the Saber.

Review of the Matr...I mean Underworld

If you look up 'Byzantine plot' in the OED, you'll no doubt find an inevitably-lengthy synopsis of Underworld. Usually, as you watch a film, the story becomes clearer. Usually there's more exposition early in a movie, and by the end you're left with lots of action and a clear head. That's not the case here. In the latter third of the film, new characters are introduced, back story is expounded upon, and things just get more and more complex. So complex, in fact, that hardly anything gets resolved.

Underworld is the latest in a series of Matrix knock-offs, and is pretty unsucessful. In addition to the wacky plot, the acting is dreadfully spotty, the dialogue just dreadful and the action sequences, while occasionally nifty, are unremarkable and unnecessarily gory.

All of these flaws are very nearly off-set by the lovely Kate Beckinsale looking very fetching in black leather. Unfortunately, she's kind of miscast (the director is her boyfriend, surprise, surprise). In a cage match of ass-kicking, black-leather-clad chicks, Carrie Anne-Moss would mop the floor with her.

One other, nitpicky thing. If you make a movie about vampires, you should respect at least a few of the vampire rules. Sure, this one honours the 'stay out of sunlight' rule, but that's about it. In fact, the film seems interested in rendering the vampires as humans with sharp incisors. Check out the basic vampirica that they ignore:

• They can see their reflections in windows and mirrors. One even checks her look in a full-length mirror before a party.
• They breath.
• They can enter homes uninvited.

Bogosity.

Bree has more to say about the movie. She likes Scott Speedman as the love interest, but she may have been fooled by his luscious hair and pecks. I thought, to borrow a quote originally describing Shannyn Sossamon, that he was a charisma-free zone.

Sex and Calories

Devon and Donna (I think) introduced me to Fitday.com, where you can record all of your foods eaten and activities done and track your weight gain/loss. Because it's free and I'm a bit compulsive, I immediately signed up. Unlike them (brave souls), I'm not going to make my fitness info public. I won't be mocked for my poor dietary habits.

As I mentioned, you can record your physical activities to track calorie burnage. They're very thorough--I was impressed that they even had Ultimate Frisbee (216 calories per hour? That's prety chintzy.) listed. They also have three kinds (just three?) of charmingly-categorized sexual activity listed:

• Sexual activity, Active, vigorous effort (43 calories/hour)
• Sexual activity, General, moderate effort (26 calories/hour)
• Sexual activity, Passive, light effort, kissing, hugging (0 calories/hour)

What's with that? This flies in the face of every women's magazine I've ever read. 43 calories for an hour of 'vigorous effort'? Maybe I'm in lousy shape, but my, uh, vigorous activity usually leaves me out of breath and, uh, spent. Surely that's worth more than 43 calories per hour.

It's amusing that they even bother to include the 'Passive' category, despite its lack of calories. It seems to yell: 'Hey, you, quit laying there like a sack of potatoes and do something.' It also seems to frown on kissing and hugging, but I digress.

Hurricane Isabel Webcams

You know, I saw this link on Waxy.org and was psyched for some nasty weather photos, but sadly (or, I suppose if you live on the east coast, fortunately), has more or less blown itself out. So, what you end up with are sunny looks lovely. This pier-cam does feature a lively shot. To satisfy your bad weather jones, I did find these cool photos of some crazy bastards who flew into the Hurricane. You know, for research and such.

What Do You Call These Things?

Earlier today, we were talking about these badboys. We always wore them in school, to divide our gym classes into teams. In my school, we called them (and this sounds a bit gay) 'pinnies.' Julie's school (and this sounds way gayer) called them 'dickies'. What do you call them?

False Creek Geek: He Got (a Little) Game

My latest column in the Yaletown View (they're having a party tonight) is about massively-multiplayer online role-playing games or MMORPGs. I've been playing Star Wars Galaxies for a few months, and have had mixed feelings about it. My column has more to say on this subject. In the meantime, here's a few screenshots (kicking some ass, lazing around camp, Grace and her pet rancor and hanging with some fambaas). Yes, I play a girl. Yes, I'm aware of the subtext. Yes, I think her hairbun looks fetching. Yes, I'm a titanic nerd (click for much larger versions):

Succumbing to temptation, I went out and bought my first MMORPG. What, aside from an awkward acronym, is that? MMORPG stands for massively multi-player online role playing game. If you aren’t a level 14 Geeks, that’s probably not much clearer.

An MMORPG is an online game played in a virtual world with thousands of other human players. It’s online Dungeons and Dragons, except with cutting-edge graphics and fewer Moms worrying about cults. Players buy the game at their local computer store and then pay a monthly subscription fee (typically $10 - $15) to participate.

They’re a remarkably new phenomenon for the estimated 1.5 million people who play these games. The granddaddy, Everquest, has been around for 4 years. Other popular games include Ultima Online, The Sims Online and Star Wars Galaxies.

Having owned a toy lightsaber since the time I was four, I couldn’t resist Star Wars Galaxies. In this game, you adopt a character in George Lucas’s universe. You know all those storm troopers and bartenders and musicians in the background of all the Star Wars movies? That’s me. You can choose from a half-dozen races (yes, you can be a Wookie), and personalize your character down to the tiniest detail. When she watched me buying a new ribbed t-shirt for my character, my wife wondered why I didn’t just buy the Dress Up Barbie game and save myself the monthly fee.

So what do you actually do in an MMORPG like Star Wars Galaxies? Whatever you want. You smuggle blasters or run a junk shop or be a moisture farmer like Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. Although the game’s developers provide plenty of mission and a vague storyline, the heart of these games is in player-to-player relationships. People tend to join forces and create ‘player associations’ to achieve common goals. More worryingly, a number of people meet and fall in love online. In-game weddings and funerals are not uncommon.

These games are notoriously addictive—Everquest has been nicknamed Evercrack. In fact, there are sites dedicated to weening yourself off MMORPGs, and others (like ‘Everquest Widows’—it’s got 4000 members) that are support groups for shunned significant others.

This compulsion was one reason I was staying away from MMORPGs. I figured, as a lifetime gamer, I was a prime candidate for 24-hours-a-day playing and a jar to pee in.

In truth, I don’t really see the appeal. I chose to be an ‘artisan’ in Star Wars Galaxies. That means I collect resources, make them into something useful and sell them. It feels a little too much like work. Everything, from running overland to selling items, is pretty time-intensive. I heard similar complaints about The Sims Online, where people spent all day helping their online persona go to the bathroom and make lunch.

While creating a MMORPG is a remarkable achievement, the game developers might have spent more time making them more fun.

Three Sites About Words

I think all three of these came, at various times, from the good people at Boing Boing.

First we have the most excellent Devil's Dictionary, which offers some true definitions of common technology terms. Favourites include the Semantic Web, WiFi and XML:

A magic elixir of legend, claiming to solve all problems while inevitably exacting an ironic cost.

They also link to another, broader Devil's Dictionary.

Next up we Word Pirates(yarrr):

Marketers, politicians and other short-sighted, self-interested, sticky-fingered people have been stealing our words. Not only do they take them for commercial purposes, but they misuse them entirely. They're Word Pirates and we're going to take back what's rightfully ours.

Lastly, for you retro nuts, TextFiles. This site features text files left over from the golden age of bulletin board systems (the proto-Internet). Ah, those halcyon, monochrome days of my youth.

Help Wanted

My wife Julie and I run a professional communications company called Capulet Communications. We do media relations, technical marketing, collateral development, etc. There's more information about our clients and services on our site.

We're getting increasingly busy, and have been thinking that we're soon going to be needing some assistance. We're looking for a junior writer/marketing person who we can occasionally subcontract to do work for us. Ideally, this person would:

• Have one or two years of experience writing marketing or technical content. Of course, if you're really smart and fresh out of school, you might do as well.
• Be an excellent written and verbal communicator.
• Not be dependent upon us for work. It may be a feast or famine situation--25 hours one week, then none for the next two.
• Have some technical aptitude, or be willing to learn the difference between a VPN and a, I don't know, API.
• Live in or around Vancouver, BC.
• Any graphic design and illustration skills are a bonus.

Admittedly, that's a little vague, but we're still working out the details. If you are such a person, or know such a person, or have questions about the work, send me an email.

Fighting the Good Fight

It's a good thing that we have brave people like those behind BabySmasher.com:

BabySmasher.com is composed of a pair of individuals concerned about the propagation of truth in society. We are tired of seeing the government and big business work together to pull the wool over the American public's eyes.

How Much is Inside a Sharpie

Apartment Buzzers

Can we talk for a moment about apartment buzzers? I don't think I've ever lived in a building where the buzzer system has worked consistently and reliably. Either you don't hear the rings, or you can't actually grant access by dialing, or they can't find your name on the list. This latter issue, ironically, has only been exacerbated by large buildings and digital systems.

For further buzzer-flavoured irony, why is it that my friends who live in the older buildings have less trouble with their buzzer system? It's because the buzzer exists seperately from the telephone system. They have a distinct receiver that they pick up and grant access with. It's a classic integration issue--clearly, buzzers and telephones were never meant to work together.

My solution is to outsource the entire buzzer system. A few companies own and manage all of the podiums and wall units. That way it's not every building manager's problem. Instead (in theory), the systems are maintained by people who actually understand them. As residents, we could update our information or log an issue through a Web interface. I don't know, I think there's a market out there. Deliver me from my buzzer madness.

Alternately, I suppose I could just buy a house.

Objetos Imposibles

Jorge from Columbia liked my Hall of Technical Documentation Weirdness, and referred me to the wonderful, whimsical work of Jacques Carelman.

Link Round-Up: Images

Today's link surplus is all about images:

• Italy seen from the sky. You kind of have to hunt for the good photos, like these two.
• Sally Gall's photography. It's got a kind of artificiality that I'm unsure about, but they're certainly compelling images.
• Da Vinci's weirder artwork.
• A quality Fark Photoshop contest: Potential website takeovers.
• Finally, unrefutable evidence of the demon that inhabits poor Celine Dion's body.

The Worst Jobs in Science

This hilarious article comes from Slashdot. Truly, I had no idea there were so many selfless scientists out there. The job titles read like a table of contents from 120 Days of Sodom:

• Flatus odor judge
• Barnyard masturbator
• Fistula feeder

The list goes on and on, but my personal favourite, for the true masochist: metric system advocate:

The Metric Program of the National Institute of Standards and Technology has a bold, if Napoleonic, motto: "Toward a Metric America." That is, a fanciful future in which we'll buy decagrams of hamburger and liters of gas. Problem is, the Metric Program employs just two evangelists—hail, ye lone voices in the wilderness!—to convert 281 million recalcitrant American imperial-unit holdouts.

Electric Cars

I've never owned a new car. For no particular reason, I'm relatively proud of that fact. I've always said that the first new car I own will be an electric or (at least) a hybrid vehicle. I've followed their glacial adoption (mightily resisted by the automotive and oil industries), and so was quite interested in this discussion on Slashdot about buying one. There's some interesting tidbits about SUVs too.

As a bonus link, here's an Ars Technica review of the Honda Insight. If you make it to <page four, you'll see how one guy modified his Insight to charge its batteries using wind power.

We Built This City on Rock and Roll

This is pretty cool. It's a Web application that enables you to build a little model 3-D city in your Web browser. It has no practical purpose, but it's nifty nonetheless. There are three different styles of cities to choose from.

Sverige säga nej,tack så mycket

You gotta love those Swedes. More than 81% of the voting population turned out to vote on accepting the Euro. 56% of those people said 'no', so no Euro for the Swedes. I'm fairly unaware of the politics surrounding the whole Sweden/Euro debate, but that voter turnout is something to be proud of.

I had a slight extra interest in this because the Swedes are using one of my clients' software set to deliver the results in realtime.

The title, incidentally, is pidgin Swedish for "Sweden says no, thank you very much." I welcome any Swedish speakers who want to suggest a more grammatically correct version.

Graphic Design of the 20s and 30s

September 12, 2003

September 11, 2003

An extremely vulgar-looking site, but nonetheless an interesting collection of travel graphic design from this lively period. I'm particularly fond of the wonderful Russian constructivist work.

You know, I searched around this site, looking for evidence that the whole thing was a carefully-crafted satire. Unless I'm missing something, it's legit. These people have done some market research and concluded that teens don't read the Bible because it's "too big and freaky looking". So, they've made the New Testament into a magazine. I don't even need to add anything--this product is self-mocking. What's next? Gilgamesh as a pop-up book? You should check out the little video clips, they're fantastic.

Link Round-Up: Collections

Links of collections of things. I know, on the Internet, that's a pretty easy order to fill:

• 1001 ink bottles. I haven't counted, but I trust them.
• North American Beatles tour tickets.
• Modern ruins. This one, in particular, is extraordinary.
• Ancient maps of Jerusalem.
• No collections entry would be complete without this astonishingly thorough (and eerie, with all those mannequins) archives of stewardess's uniforms.

Jem and the Holograms Against the RIAA

Here's my idea for a fun satire of the RIAA and all of its anti-file trading mischief that's going on. You get yourself some videos from that classic 80s cartoon, Jem and the Holograms. Then you over-dub the videos with Jem and her band having discussions about file trading and intellectual property and digital rights. Because her alter-ego is Jerrica Benton, music executive, Jem could be all conflicted about the ethical course of action. Meanwhile, as Jerrica, she could be blaming the public for stealing music and saying that her home for orphan girls, the Starlight Foundation, is closing because she's losing so much cash.

Then the evil band, the Misfits, could start, I don't know, advocating file-sharing, or offering their music for free or some such thing. The opportunities for satire are endless.

If Jen and the Holograms was in the public domain, I'd submit this to this Creative Commons movie contest.

Of course, I'm only familiar with Jem and the Holograms because it preceded He-Man on weekday afternoons. Hee, hee.

Stop Motion Building

Douglas Coupland on Canada, Etc.

I've also felt a certain kinship with (not to mention envy for) Douglas Coupland. We grew up in the same neighbourhood (though he was probably ten years ahead of me), went to the same schools and hung out in the same malls. Life After God and Girlfriend in a Coma are both books that really seemed close to my own experience of growing up in Vancouver. I've also enjoyed his non-fiction work, but I thought All Families are Psychotic was pretty mediocre. I've always thought that, as he gets into middle-age, he'll become a much more spiritual writer. We'll see if that happens.

In the meantime, here's a lengthy and insightful interview with him. He's no doubt on a book tour promoting his new novel Hey Nostradamus!. Here's a good quote on Canada:

The entire economy of Canada is equal to the state of Texas. And it’s very thinly distributed. So it’s only in Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver where you get any amount of critical mass. I mean, any. Remember back in the ‘60s when every country on Earth was becoming independent, Canada included. We got our own flag and all that. There was a national flourishing that began there with Margaret Atwood and the usual suspects. Now, they are all august or dead.

The Hidden Lives of Asterisks

I was doing some Photoshop work for a client which involved adding an asterisk to various images. As I was working, I realized that, at a small scale, asterisks don't look much like asterisks. In fact, depending upon the font size, they look like a whole bunch of other things. Here's my study of the hidden lives of asterisks.

Classic Vancouver Moment

UPDATE: A link was broken (stupid quotation marks), so the last few sentences of this entry were missing.

So I'm in my apartment, and I'm looking out the window into the seaside park that's nearby. There were a number of trucks around the park, and they seemed to be setting up a little county fair, with a jumping castle and games for the kids.

I went down for a closer look, and realized the truth. It's actually a film shoot. They're setting up a tiny carnival so that they can shoot scenes for some naff new show called Romeo. That's a classic Vancouver moment--you think you recognize something, but it turns out it's just a facade. Most of the time, that facade is a film shoot. There are more photos of this curiousity here.

Photos Galore

My wife recently went to Victoria, and took some photos. They are, in part, a sort of essay on all the places she lived in:

• UVic housing
• A gorgeous mansion in Fairfield (which, when I make my first five million, I intend to purchase).
• A rickety heritage house in a dodgy neighbourhood.
• My apartment, where I lived (with various roommates, including her) for seven years. That's a long time to live in the Chestnut Grove.

Thirteen (out of a Hundred)

Regular readers may have noted the absence of movie reviews and commentary of late. This is mostly because, until recently, it was August, and, as we all know, all of the studios' worst films come out in August. Why? Apparently members of the academy have memories like goldfish, so they don't release the good films until the fall. On the other hand, all of the summer blockbusters have already been released. In short, as Winnipeg is to Canada, August is to the rest of the movie year. However, in Thirteen I've finally seen a film that I can offer an opinion on.

What a load of utter bollocks. What a ridiculous pile of tripe. I'm a tolerate movie-goer, but this was the first film in years I've seriously considered walking out of.

Whew. Got that out of the way. Now, on to the review.

Can there be any surprise that this cautionary tale about youthful rebellion comes from that conservative empire, Fox? This film's subtext is extraordinary in its fear-mongering, 'family values' postering. The film tells the story of Tracy, a thirteen-year-old kid who falls in with the wrong crowd, experiments with sex, drugs and piercings and generally makes a nuisance of herself. Her mother, played by the excellent Holly Hunter, suffers miserably as a result.

Could this film reinforce conservative ideas any more strongly? Here's a quick run-through of some of the stereotypes this film reaffirms:

• Broken families make bad kids. Holly Hunter is separated from her husband and has taken up with another man. Watch out for addictive substances! Holly Hunter plays a recovering alcholic, and apparently approves of her son smoking pot.
• Minorities are hot-beds of sin. Tracy falls in with the bad Latino girl, and first experiments with drugs and sex with black people. Her brother, conversely, hangs out with white kids, who seem mostly into skateboarding and other harmless tomfoolery. When the two girls hit on an older white boy, he wisely and responsibly rejects them.
• Body piercings are evil.
• Watch out for girls alone in their bedroom...they might become lesbians!

And on and on. I wouldn't mind all of this paranoia if the film was well-crafted, but it's a mess. Holly Hunter's a fantastic actor, and Deborah Unger isn't bad, but the two young leads are miserable. Young actors are often like rookie athletes--lots of intensity but no finesse. Evan Rachel Wood, who plays Tracy, appears to have only three modes: sulky, tripping or spastic.

The direction and editing are equally appaulling. Apparently for first-time director Catherine Hardwicke, the shakiness of the camera is directly related to the emotional intensity of a scene. The plotting is lousy. There are set-ups without pay-offs, pay-offs without set ups, plot holes a mile wide. People (and, I might add, the family dog) seem to leave and arrive for no reason except that it's convenient for the director.

We've had the story since we've had people (remember Adam, falling in with that bad crowd), and it's been told with so much more skill and originality than in Thirteen. Two films that immediately come to mind are Traffic and Better Luck Tomorrow.

It's noteworthy, I think, that while Metacritic (an index of American critics) gives this film a 71/100, users on IMDB on give it 57/100. This film, with its hot-button topics and the mighty power of Fox behind it, is an one for critics to like.

If you want to go see a truly effective, topical independent film, go see Dirty Pretty Things. This film is only fit for teenagers and suburban parents.

As a post-script: If I were an educator or counsellor and had some 'teens in need', I'd definitely show them this film. The teenage girl in the row in front of us was bawling her eyes out while I Was checking my watch. Clearly this would be (for a few years, until trends change) an effective tool for getting teenagers to discuss issues in their own lives.

Another footnote: The media has made much of Nikki Reed, the co-star who apparently co-wrote the film. Apparently it's based in part on her own 'rebellious experiences' as a thirteen-year-old. It's worth noting that Nikki is the daughter of Seth Reed, a successful art director whose films include 'Fight Club' and 'Minority Report'. The articles fail to mention that this 'bad girl' is the daughter of a Hollywood insider, and so she wasn't picked up fresh off the bad streets of some depraved urban centre. Sure, daughters of Hollywood artists can be rebels too, but knowing that takes some of the bloom off the rose.

To conclude, I quote this well-penned piece from New York Magazine:

Thirteen doesn't really offer much more insight into exasperated mother-daughter relationships or twisted teens than, say, "Freaky Friday," which I much prefer. At least that film was funny and didn't try to fob itself off as a bulletin from the front lines.

Niplette for Men

About nine months ago, I wondered aloud about the wonder that is the Niplette (caution, artfully-rendered nipples ahead). Someone (a nipple fetishist, no doubt) recently sent me a (not particularly safe for work) link to the Nipple Enlarger for Men. There's no explanatory text on that site, but another one I discovered this helpful product description:

The Nipple Enlarger for Men comes with 4 different sizes of nipple rings and a large and smaller size pump attachment to fit all sizes of nipples. Look great in a t-shirt, sweater etc., and show off for your lover or just for your self. Simply choose one of the vacuum pumps, slide the ring onto the pump, squeeze the pump to suck your nipple into the clear plastic tube and slide the ring onto your nipple. Extend your nipples to that manly size you've always wanted…

Manly size? What? You mean I've got to worry about the size of other body parts? What's a manly size? Have I been swimming in public pools for all these years with tiny boy nipples? Poolside pride costs a mere US $49.99.

Mmm...TCPView

For the techies, a free and handy little utility:

TCPView is a Windows program that will show you detailed listings of all TCP and UDP endpoints on your system, including the local and remote addresses and state of TCP connections. On Windows NT, 2000 and XP TCPView also reports the name of the process that owns the endpoint. TCPView provides a more informative and conveniently presented subset of the Netstat program that ships with Windows.

And We're Back (Again)

Having done it twice for myself and for a couple of clients, I'm a Movable Type installing machine. Let us pray that I needn't do it again. Everything seems to be back to normal, though I had to dispense with recent comments for the re-install. We now return to our regular programming.

Canadian Encyclopedia

The Historica Foundation has done an excellent thing, and put the entire Canadian Encyclopedia online. It's very exhaustive, including entries for such Canadian luminaries as Pierre Trudeau, Robert Lepage and Bill Shatner. If you click on the little camera link on the Shatner page, you can see him racing through "Friends, Romans, countrymen" speech from a 1960 production of Julius Caesar.

The content is well-written (I wonder if they need any help?). For example, check out this excellent summary of Wayne Gretzky's abilities:

Gretzky's mastery of his sport owes much to his agility, speed and accurate shot, and he was undoubtedly the greatest passer in hockey history. But it was his instinctive grasp of the flow of play - his sense of how opposing players and teammates would react to each situation - that made him such a creative player.

Their URL highlights a pet peeve of mine. I dislike URLs that cutely split their name across the period, as in Histori.ca or Antarcti.ca. It just confuses people and I'm not sure it makes the name any more memorable. Think of all the time people spend explaining 'no, it's just histori, with an i, then the dot, then ca.'

Next Week, Free Crack

In the background, you can see his dealer driving away:

I found this image, ironically, at a Christian community outreach site. No disrespect intended, but I couldn't resist.

Link Round-Up: Naughtiness

So many links. These are all, in one way or another, kind of naughty:

• Celebrity bra sizes. Text-only (disappointingly), so safe for work.
• Duct tape bikini contest. Ouch! And not safe for work.
• Celebrity tongues. Well, safe for work, I guess. I applaud their narrow focus.
• Worst tennis outfits ever. Totally safe for work, and not even that naughty. Except for perhaps Anne White's bodystocking and Agassi's pink spandex.
• The best (and very popular site, hence its glacial loading speeds) and funniest for last: Stealth Disco. Safe for work, unless you work with non-dancing Baptists.

Load of Guitar Bollocks

Rolling Stone's latest issue lists The 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time. Maybe those guys should lay off the wacky tobbacky. Duane Allman at number two is silly, but Kurt Cobain at #12? An important, influential rock artist, yes, but great guitar player? Did his solos ever not follow the melody line? Could he actually fret faster than the pace of the song? Did he understand that every note doesn't require sustain? What's more ludicrous is that Cobain's above Carlos Santana and Mark Knopfler (down at #27!). I've also got a question about Richard Thompson. I thought he was a major folky, not really a rock guitarist. Maybe there's two Richard Thompsons? If not, and Thompson mostly played folk music, then where the hell is Chet Atkins? I think I'll have to buy the issue and see how they justify their dubious choices.

Blogstreet

Minor administrative note: Thanks to Donna, I just registered my site at BlogStreet.

I am, I am Superman

About a week ago, Jim Elve made this interesting (well, to me at least) observation:

Every time I visit Darren's blog, by the way, I feel some inexplicable, surreal and strange affinity. His cryptic quote, "This is for those who descend into the code and make their room a fridge for Superman," and his picture combine to conjure up an image of Clark Kent. People often remark that I look like the mild-mannered reporter in my 1967 high school graduation picture.

He even provides this nifty composite photo. That's him on the left, me, George Reeves and (I added) Christopher Reeve.

Hmm...I can't deny the similarity. As for the subtitle, this entry explains it.

Alas, Poor Yorick!

From a Fark Photoshop contest: If dinosaurs survived to modern times:

I knew him, Horatio: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath
borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how
abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at
it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know
not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your
gambols? Your songs?

And I Start to Complain That There's No

Rain. For what feels like the first time in months. The first time since I've returned from Ireland. Which isn't really true, because May was quite wet. The summer's been dry, though. I've missed the Vancouver rain, in all its variations. Today was a rare torrential rainfall, the kind I've experienced in Florida or Central America.

The city could use a couple of days of good rain. The alley behind our apartment building really stinks. The Okanagan could really use it.