Like many of the other people that have posted here, I appreciate all of your comments for and against having kids. Like many of the other people that have posted, I too am conflicted. I am 33 years old and my partner is 35 years old. He has a daughter (not biological) age 13 and a son age 10 from a previous marriage. He also had a 4 year old daughter that he lost to leukemia about 3 years ago. We have been together almost 2 years and have recently been seriously discussing marriage.
When we first started dating, he informed me that he had already had a vasectomy. I had quickly asked if that was something he would consider reversing and he said yes he would consider it. As of this week he informed me that after what he went through with his daughter, he can’t bear the thought of having another child. He also said that he truly enjoys our time together when the kids are at their mothers and he doesn’t want to give that up. He says he told me this because if we choose to move forward in getting married that we need to 100% be on the same page, and if I really want children then he wants to give me the opportunity to find that with someone else. Like many of the other women, I can’t imagine myself having children with anyone else. This raised a very interesting question for me, do I really want children? I can’t seem to answer that question. Some of the added complications in our situation, are the $10k it will cost for a reversal, the fact that neither one of us are crazy about passing our pre-disposed cancerous genes on to a child, but even if we were to adopt, there’s a fair amount of financial concern there as well. Last but not least, by the time we get married and get to that point and the child grows up, we’re pushing 60. I have a lot of friends and family who have children and I can honestly say that 98% of them didn’t “plan” to have a family, it just happened. Sometimes I envy them because they never had to sit down and really MAKE the decision. I feel very blessed, because I do have a wonderful man, and I do love his children and appreciate getting to be an influence in their lives. I also appreciate when they go home and I get one on one time with him.
I am receiving a lot of pressure from my mother and grandfather who have essentially said that my boyfriend is giving me an ultimatum and that he should change his mind and allow me to have children. Worth mentioning is the fact that I’m an only child, so not having children significantly affects them as well.Before my boyfriend ever said anything I knew it would be difficult and expensive for us to have children, and had somewhat resolved that if it were meant to happen it would. There are no guarantees either way in life, even if I decided to leave the love of my life and find someone else to have children with, there’s no guarantee I would find anyone else. Isn’t it more important to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life, children-less then to potentially have children with the wrong person? I’ve never had the deep yearning to have children, matter of fact I only started to consider it within the last 5 years. Should one really decide to have children when they’re so ambivalent about it? Shouldn’t you just “know” that this is what you should do? I would love to hear about the outcomes of those of you who posted a few years ago to see what decisions you eventually came to and how you feel about the outcomes.