Why Children?
Do you want to have kids? If so, why? Or, if you already have kids, why did you have them?
This is a touchy subject, and one I can’t reasonably ask most people. Those who are parents or pregnant may take offense, and most of those who aren’t generally can’t supply satisfactory answers on the spot. Either they haven’t decided, or aren’t able or willing to articulate their reasoning. In truth, it’s none of my business. So, I thought I’d ask the anonymous masses instead.
And feel free to respond anonymously–those name and email adresses boxes aren’t required. Don’t draw any conclusions about my reproductive future from this post. It’s strictly an academic exercise here.
My query is in part inspired by a discussion I had with a friend of mine, and in part by this recentish CBC article that reports that we’re having fewer children than we have for nearly a hundred years.
On a side note, there’s an egregious error in the final sentence of this article, which reads: “Italian women are the least fertile according to this statistic, producing only 1.2 babies in 2002.” The most common and biological definition of fertile is ‘capable of breeding or reproducing’. The other popular definition means ‘producing many offspring’. Clearly, when you apply a modifier to the word ‘fertile’, it must be used in the first context. That’s probably not what the writer meant.
That kind of shatters the myth about big Italian families, doesn’t it? And how come the Americans are producing, on average, 0.5 more babies than us?
June 20th, 2004 at 1:54 am
Well.
The world is wide, wicked and wonderful. The urge to share magic, vision and knowledge is/was powerful and magnetic for me. While I didn’t dutifully set out to have kids, I didn’t work against the idea either - and when the news about Ryan came, my first fear was “How can I possibly show him everything there is to see in 18 short years?”
That question’s since dissolved, as it’s obvious now that the objective here isn’t to squeeze content into that time, but rather I’ve got it available to me to develop and instill the eyes with which he can find those things for himself.
Nearly four years later Sarah too was unplanned, but very, very welcome - as I grew up as an only child and my most consistent memory of being a kid, rich and varied as that time was, was the absence of someone to share it with. Imagine, cause trouble and discover with. I carried a pretty big, heavy, nebulous ball of questions and information about everything around me, and it had nowhere to go. Instead, I kept it to myself until I was old enough to write about it. I was grateful Ryan might be spared some of that.
I’m Italian- I’m not an advocate of big families, nor did I come from one. We won’t have any more kids. Economics (micro, and macro), environment, social responsibility - all suffer from unchecked population growth. And to be selfish, I just couldn’t keep up with or attend to any more than I’ve got. Some of this time, these experiences - down the road - need to be solely mine.
But while we’re all here in the same place together, the reward I get in seeing what they see and discover, what clicks, what they attach to and what they reject, what they invent and what they challenge… how their ‘eyes’ are developing… has no equivalent.
Thinking about it now, I think in some ways I viewed having kids as making up for all the lost time. To quiet that strong, wicked craving to share/show the world - I’ve given myself two best friends, partners in crime, ‘pseudo-siblings’ (the ones I’d lived so long without)… students, teachers.
My mind and soul were full. I started pouring, and two children grew.
June 20th, 2004 at 8:44 am
Its hard to say why we want kids. As a 20 years old girl, I dont know yet the real reason why I want some. But talking with some people, I got few reasons why they wanted some or dont want any.
Some wanted kids because its a tradition, because they love kids, because they want to comtinue the family line, but that last reason often brings parents fighting about what last name they will have (he will have my name! No, mine!, etc.) I saw few fights of that kind.
Those who dont want kids came up with these reasons:
- I love kids, but I’m not patient enough (Let’s say they dont really have courage)
- I’ll have to wait untill I make more money (Don’t want to break down their liberty)
- In this crazy world we live in, you don’t want any kids. You put them in danger as soon as you give birth. (It’s the only reason that makes sense to me for not having kids)
My sister has the worst reason why she wats kids (it may change, i hope, cause she’s only 15 y-o): She think babies are cute. Its the only reason yet. But she plays with them as she does with dollies.
The subject is interesting, I’ll try to come up with some other theories.
-pea
June 20th, 2004 at 11:16 am
I posted a long post on my blog about this before I even saw your post.. hah. So, my answer is there, not here. :) I’ll send a trackback your way.
June 20th, 2004 at 11:18 am
The Baby Question
Since a few people commented about this, I’ll explain. I want to be a mother. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. Until recently, however, I never questioned why. I just did. And…
June 20th, 2004 at 11:20 am
Oh, and sociologists use the word “fertile” to refer to the number of children produced. So a less fertile country produces less children. It doesn’t have to do with potential or capability.
It confused me at first, too. My sociology teacher explained that one last week, and my text suddenly made a lot more sense.
June 20th, 2004 at 12:31 pm
I’m a female who’s childless by choice. I’ve always believed that the fact that we were biologically capable of doing domething was not imperative enough to proceed.
Part of my decision was at one time based on the fact that my childhood wasn’t very happy and I had no wish to raise a child with the negative attitudes I was exposed to as a youngster. Now that I’m a bit older and feel that I could perhaps make a contribution to society by bringing up a good soul I’m left with the question of why I would choose to do so.
At times I feel selfish for enjoying my life as it is, with all my time spent on pursuits of my desires. (I’ve returned to school full-time, something that would have been decidedly more difficult if I had to take into account child rearing.) But at times having a child seeems very selfish: why add to the world’s population simply in order for your genes to be propogated?
I’m also intrigued by the coincidence of your previous post WRT crime. I think that society is generally not headed in a positive direction. Part of this may be due to competition for limited resouces. Again, why add to the world’s population just because we are capable of doing so?
I believe that mankind, as sentient beings, should behave responsibly, not simply react to animal urges. Reacting to animal urges *is* good at times but can be done without making babies!
June 20th, 2004 at 1:23 pm
I have one child… and I will never trade her for the world… I have always wanted kids.. to continue my blood line.. weather it be under another name or not… I know that my little one is very special and close to me.. and I’m a sucker for her… why did we choose to have her… well it was simple… no Cable TV at our place…
June 20th, 2004 at 2:30 pm
I think kids are lovely creatures, when they belong to other people. My baby sister is adorable — she’s honestly a wonder to behold. And I am *so* glad when I can give her back to our mother.
And, there’s a big enough age difference between us that I figure she can support me in my old age. :) Mom & I have joked that we’ll both be living with her by the time we retire… so I’ve asked Mom to make sure that she’s got a high opinion of money so that she can afford us. :)
Kids are nice, but I’d rather have my ferret. When he pisses me off, I can put him in a cage. When you do that to a kid, you get put in jail. What a world…
June 20th, 2004 at 3:01 pm
Q: Why are only women responding on this topic?
The first two possible answers to come to mind are:
1) this question strikes closer to home with us.
2) the majority of blog readers are female.
Either way, I’d be curious to hear from guys that choose to be childless; there must be some out there (besides my BF - who prefers to remain free to play at, and spend on, extreme sports)…
June 20th, 2004 at 3:39 pm
i’ve never had any kind of biological urge and, in all honesty, the thought of producing a small, fragile creature which will be dependant upon me for their every need, want and desire for, in the worst case, their entire lives just makes me panic.
i’m more than happy to let the people with the desire and patience reproduce while i’m every kid’s favourite aunt hessie.
June 20th, 2004 at 3:53 pm
Hey “j” …. I hate to say it but I think I’m male… “looks at HIMself” yup.. I’m male….
June 20th, 2004 at 4:39 pm
oops, sorry!
June 20th, 2004 at 6:45 pm
I would like to contribute following to this discussion:
”It struck me that I’d heard a lot of engineers say they wished they hadn’t worked so hard on a start-up company, a lot of professors say it was a shame that they’d put their research ahead of their marriage, a lot of lawyers question their value to society, but I’d never heard anyone say he or she regretted time spent raising children. What would happen to my friends if they didn’t realize their goals? Even worse, what would happen if they did realize those goals, then came to see them as not sufficient?
Thinking about all these friends growing older, unmarried, and childless, I shuddered the way I would watching a family stake their whole fortune on double-zero at a Vegas roulette table. “
I got above from Philip Greenspun’s book called “Travels with Samantha” last chapter.. Book is available on line. The book is not about family or children but his conclusion stuck in my mind for some reason.
“Travels with Samantha” web site: http://www.photo.net/samantha/table-of-contents
June 20th, 2004 at 7:00 pm
I don’t have children because I don’t want children. I never really did. I’m admittedly selfish and there are too many things I want to do that being a parent would not allow. IF I wanted to be a “good” parent.
Those of us who are childless-by-choice seem to take it pretty hard and often from those among us who thinks everyone should be a breeder. Have your babies you probably cannot afford and won’t have enough time to spend with in a way that allows them vital good self-esteem, and leave us alone who don’t want them.
Not you, Darren, but the collective you (of course).
June 20th, 2004 at 10:02 pm
I haven’t got them yet, but I know I’ll get around to it eventually. If you’d asked me three or more years ago I would have said “Children? Yeugh! Not me, thanks!” However, lately I’ve been starting to think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Hardly a ringing endorsement for procreation.
I’m afraid to admit that having children will probably be a very ego-driven activity for me. I’m going to be one of those horrible mothers who wants her children to be the best at something… anything, really. Or not even the best - just to try really hard. Even knowing that I’m going to put my children through a hellish childhood, I still think I can do the world a favour by reproducing. After all, my parents did a pretty good job on me. The world needs more people with good brains and a good self-esteem. If I can produce some, then I’m making a positive contribution.
Plus, I’ll need someone to whom I can bequeath my corporate empire.
June 20th, 2004 at 11:09 pm
Sue: If you’d like, I’d be happy to inherit your millions. I’m looking for a sugar daddy/mommy to support me in my old age in case the sister route doesn’t pan out.
June 21st, 2004 at 12:59 am
Hi Darren,
I came across your website during the “Flowers for Al and Don” heyday and I have checked back every little while since then for the great links and commentary. Anyway, I am 35 and I just had my second child. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me and my husband. We did want kids - he was a little worried before our daughter was born but got over it very quickly. There is indeed something magical and amazing about the process of growing some new human beings and the act is by far not suitable for those who are selfish or who think that having kids is going to cut into their “me time”. Especially for women, it can be overwhelming to give your self over to these needy, helpless creations for the time that they need you. But to keep it in perspective, that time is relatively short over a lifespan.
I chose to leave the corporate life and the attendant salary and benefits (which were not inconsiderable) after our daughter was born in 2000. My reason for this was primarily selfish for me, I was having too much fun to want to go back to work! I am sure that I can make that kind of money again but I did not want to miss out on my kids being little.
I am by the way a complete feminist who never ever imagined I’d be happy as a stay at home mom but there you go. I still work freelance at night and a bit during the days occasionally just because I love my work. I am really fortunate that my clients do not mind me bringing my son onsite with me when I have to come do work there.
My husband also enjoys being a dad a tremendous amount and always complains when he has to work too much that he is missing the kids. (He is self-employed as well so gets lots of dad time with them.)
I agree with the poster above who mentioned the chance to bring sane-minded individuals into a world with all too few of them, however this can be a crapshoot. I say this because my own father is a stout Republican who we used to reprimand for racist jokes, and wound up with three devoutly lefty kids!! Yes he does feel ganged-up on sometimes, poor guy…
Finally, the ties of family are too strong to ignore. Even when you disagree, your family still loves you (usually!) and I really do feel badly for people who are so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t stand the thought of having kids. I always wonder what their holidays will look like when they are old. To me, having a child is part of what really makes people part of the human race. There is nothing that will fill your heart and break it at the same time like looking into the face of your own child.
June 21st, 2004 at 6:12 am
I’m always interested (and curious) when I hear people cite ‘loss of freedom/money’ as a reason for not having children. Not because it doesn’t make sense from a logical perspective, but because this just hasn’t been my overall experience (though admittedly, it appears to be for many and I’m unsure where the differences lie).
My kids are 9 and 13 now, and thinking back.. I’m having a hard time coming up with many, if any, circumstances wherein I felt ‘held back’ or trapped in some way for having had children. If we wanted to go on a 3 day backpacking trip, we did. We took them with us and they helped navigate, carry supplies and they brought back funky photos from their own perspectives. If we wanted to strike out on a 6000+ mile road trip, we did. We took them with us, and they learned more about geography, cartography and fuel economics on that trip than they ever did in school.
As for being able to spend money on the things we dig, like sports and photography and traveling and books (etc..) - I saw little impact there, either. In fact, because I couldn’t see throwing the kids in daycare every day (and eventually ended up homeschooling them), I told corporate america to kiss my ass and started freelancing from home. Now both Shane and I work from home, and with the kids having no school calendar to follow anymore, we’re free to go and do as we please, and everything’s an opportunity. Like the 6 week road trip we’re taking in August/September.
And between us, we’ve got more disposable income now than we ever had pre-kids - our selfish economic interests (and of course we have them) haven’t suffered much, if at all.
To not want children because you don’t feel you’ve got the patience or the interest in one thing, and entirely a noble decision, given 1) the overpopulation of a planet that can barely sustain the bodies it’s currently got, and 2) the number of children born into indifferent/unloving families because they weren’t careful or didn’t think their decisions through. There are a hundred reasons not to have kids, and those who’ve made that decision for themselves have my respect, as do those who choose to have kids for conscientious reasons.
But for those who might otherwise consider having children, with the sole reason for hanging back being that perceived loss of freedom/income - I think it’s wise to remember that (like anything else) parenting is what you make of it. Before children, and after children, you alone are responsible for the life you create for yourself.
If you choose to raise your children in a ‘traditional, stable, linear, safe, suburban’ environment, then yes.. you’ll likely experience some losses. But if you choose to think of children as open minded, intelligent, curious sponges with the capacity and flexibility for a wide range of experiences, you’re not afraid to get out there and show them the world, you’re intuitive enough to know what the necessities really are (not just what society assumes them to be), you’re creative enough to mold your life and career into what you want it to be to accommodate your lifestyle, and you’re willing to take a few chances with yourself and your securities… then having kids can create more experiences and exciting for you than it takes away.
I’m not a believer that the perfect suburban family home is the producer of trophy children. The most intelligent, fun, funky, worldly, happy and well-adjusted kids I’ve known are those that’ve come from families you can’t fit into a box, those that place more value on experiences and togetherness and play and exploration than they do appearances and honor societies and soccer practice and the same address for 20 years, and the status quo.
June 21st, 2004 at 10:40 am
It is odd that no one else has mentioned this, but we are planning on adopting.
Why? Because I have no “need” to give birth, because any child born to us would most likely be guaranteed a loving and bountiful life, while there are so many others in the world who may never have that chance.
We get some grief over this decision (though not from my parents oddly enough). Other people seem to think that we should feel obligated to breed – supposedly we are too intelligent, too good-looking, too loving not to have our own children.
Often I am told (mostly by men) that my biological clock with kick in, and then WATCH OUT. Well I’m 30, when is it supposed to kick in? Last month I had a two-day-late scare (first time ever) that had me in tears over my career, over my ability to carry a child for 9 months, etc. etc. – don’t you think that clock would have clicked in then?
DB, if you want more info, you know where to find me.
June 21st, 2004 at 7:09 pm
To the person who said that they “feel badly for those so wrapped up in themselves they don’t want to have kids,” um, yah… thanks.
Why?
I’m not sure people who’ve had their hormones yanked around by nature to force them to care unequivocally for a helpless creature - by necessity - can necessarily pass judgement on those who choose to follow the primary imperative over the secondary one.
Having kids, biological kids, in a world where we have so many starving and orphaned children, is selfish. Completely selfish. There is absolutely no justification whatsoever for not adopting. None. Saying “there’s a special bond” is an excuse for selfishness - biologically driven, sure, but nevertheless - and any other justification is just that, a justification.
It doesn’t matter if you made the ingredients yourself, or if you bought them from a bakery and put them in the oven when you got home. They rise up the same (for good or ill or mediocre or brilliant).
June 21st, 2004 at 10:01 pm
Why did we have a kid? Mainly because my wife and I both believed our respective doctors when they told us we were infertile and we didn’t bother with “protection” as a result.
Oooooooops.
The oops in question is named Ashlyn and she turns three this August. There was a lot of nail-biting when we first found out Jen was pregnant, but we can’t imagine life without our daughter now. She is a constant source of pride and joy for us.
June 21st, 2004 at 11:35 pm
Why do people say selfish like its a bad thing? *sigh*
June 21st, 2004 at 11:55 pm
Devon: Historically, our culture has placed a very high value on self-sacrifice and selflessness. After all, sacrifice is at the core of the Christian values upon which our society has been built. Of course, selflessness isn’t strictly a Christian philosophy, it’s central to Buddhism as well. I can’t speak to Islam, but would be interested to hear from those who can.
Most of our heroes, legendary and real, (up to and including, say, Mother Theresa, Mandela or Ghandi) were concerned with essentially unselfish acts.
Personally, I’m a big advocate of humility and being unselfish. I don’t succeed at either often enough, but if there was a part of my character I could improve, that would be it.
May 13th, 2006 at 7:47 pm
I am a married woman of 32 and I don’t want kids because I don,t want to get fat, change my lifestyle and mess up my sleep. Plus the little buggers get on my nerves.
July 18th, 2006 at 4:51 am
I thought when I was young that I wanted children but then realised as I got older that it’s just something we grow up thinking that people do once they’re married, it’s the next step. I ask people how they would feel if they were given a 6-year old or a teenager and the response is very different to being given a baby. The fact seems to be that people want babies, but infancy is such a minute part of this new person’s life. If you are going to be a parent you have to accept that you may have a really difficult teenager in your house day-in day-out for years. Or you may have a child that is so sick you are unable to have what you consider a life, for devoting ALL your time to the child’s care. Unfortunately, most people nowadays are so sick fed up of their children that they refuse to provide them a safe house to hang out in with their friends and therefore they hang about the street, but as long as they’re not bugging their parents! Others shove their kids in front of a TV or a computer game, I see very few parents who spend as much time talking and playing with their children as I do with my nieces. Quality time with family is what makes for stable children. My parents always allowed us to have our friends over, as any decent parent would, they got to know our friends and did not put their need for peace and quiet first. If my parents had a social evening with friends over for dinner, we joined them and everyone talked to us as people, then they had their adult-time once we went to bed. It seems now that out of sight is out of mind and many parents are too busy reliving their childhood to bother with someone in their house who may be a bit of a hindrance to their social life. If you commit to having children then you commit to providing for them, taxi-ing them around, teaching them right from wrong and putting their needs before your own for 18 years. I would struggle with any child of mine having to be around kids that have been brought up by parents that don’t do this.
I realised in my early 20’s that I didn’t want children. The very wanting of children I see as quite selfish, the children do not get any say in being born. If someone feels a deep biological urge then I have no problem with that, but so many people, when pressed, will admit that they want someone who will love them unconditionally or someone to look after them in their old age and bring that person up believeing that to be their role. Who’s selfish? Would you have a child if you knew in advance that at 16 it would leave home and you would barely hear from it until the day you die?
Maybe it’s because given the choice now I would choose not to have been born. Don’t get me wrong I have accepted that I do exist and there’s no way around that without hurting those close to me so I am at peace with it and make a point of living life to the full. I enjoy my life, I have a great family, fantastic adopted nieces that I would die for, I love my husband and my life is very fulfilled and varied, but due to having a very high IQ (resulting in a slight personality disorder) and a strong tendency towards Maths and logic, I struggle with understanding the world, more than most. I can’t cope with all the PC talk instead of people talking about reality, or the banality of everyday conversations about trivia. I can’t understand jealousy or envy, emotional blackmail or people wallowing in self-pity and expecting other people to solve their problems rather than getting up and changing their life themself.
I would hate to think that I had brought a child into this world for it to wish it had never been born. I also have two potentially genetic conditions that I could pass onto a child which would not help it’s life. Also the world is already overpopulated, it’s just that the distribution of the population is wrong.
There are kids out there that already exist that really need a home, and every home that brings a new child into the world removes a place for one of these kids. My choice is to provide a home to kids that already exist and didn’t get a choice in existing but have suffered for the decisions made by so called adults. It takes a very special person to adopt and not everyone has enough love in them to do it. The easy option is to create a child yourself. I’m not one for taking the easy option, I’d prefer to take the option that actually helps society.
Just my views and no criticism to people that have kids, as adults we do what we feel we need to do, it’s just my perspective on things.
September 14th, 2007 at 10:10 am
Once you have a child, the enormous amount of unconditional love you have for them takes over and you are never quite the same after that. You live and you would die for them. It’s a feeling you will never know until you become a parent. For me, I had my first child because I couldn’t imagine anything more beautiful than creating another human being with my very Best Friend in the whole world. We’ve since had 2 more babies. It’s amazing that God allows us to create our own family. What a wonderful gift, if we choose to accept it.
December 21st, 2007 at 11:54 am
My husband just told me today that he does not want children. I am torn. The thought of never having children breaks my heart.. but I am left wondering if it is because I want them or because society and the way I was raised decrees I should want them. We have a very comfortable life.
Perplexed.
January 23rd, 2008 at 9:27 am
Are there any parents out there that, given the chance to do it over, would take back having children?
I’m a 37 year old female with no children….yet. My fiance and I both waiver back and forth on the subject.
I would love some honesty from any parents who think they might have been happier not having children.
February 11th, 2008 at 10:50 am
wow, this is a nice site, it s great to see the different opinions, none are good or bad, if we look at the facts , they are there, for parents and people who desire kids, its the best thing in their life, for people who dont want, such is their decisions, i guess if we all want no kids, in a 100 years, the show will be over, maybe the plantet does need a break, but that she will tell us in time, i guess people should do as their hearts tell them and remain honnest in their decisions, trying to look at all the facts without getting emotionnally involved.. good luck and enjoy no matter what you do… vaya con dias freddy
February 11th, 2008 at 10:53 am
dios..
March 18th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
people have kids for a reason u should all know that there is no future without kids if dont have one well its ur choice somepeople dont adopt teenager for a strong reason they ur already going to be an adult and what happen to them u cant help becuz they have their all ready have mentality to do what want causa of the parents they follow thier distructive pattern they hurt the adoptive person trying to help by stealing and doing drugs ,etc
May 4th, 2008 at 11:49 am
I don’t think having kids is selfish, and I don’t think you’re selfish if you choose not to have kids. But, I do think asking someone the difference between having a baby and a teenager isn’t really an accurate way to detect whether or not they really want children. A lot of parents may not love all 16 year olds, but they love their own 16 year old. Having a baby is quite different because babies are relatively clean slates; teenagers have developed into active participants in the world. It’s just not even a good comparison. I think to each their own.
June 8th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
I’m a 30 year old male and to be honest, I’m still unsure about whether I should have children or not.
Sometimes I get the feeling that something’s missing in my life and obviously the first thing that comes to mind is children. Well, maybe not “obviously” but that’s my case.
That said, I don’t think that’s a very good reason to have children. You should have children because you want to, not because you think something’s missing or to fill a void in your life.
I can’t deny that every now and then I daydream about having a little daughter, but I guess that’s a common dream to some people.
Sometimes I feel immature when I find myself thinking about children! They are not a new house or a new car that you buy and get bored of a few years. They are forever and they are human beings.
Something else to remember is that they’ll grow up. They’ll only be children for a few years. Before you know it, they are going to be teenagers trying sex, drugs and who knows what else and there’s nothing you can do to keep them safe. They are going to do it anyway and actually, you are the one giving them the money for it.
Just as I write this, an interesting question came to me: Would I have children if they were born as 12 year old teenagers? Would you? Put this way, I think my answer is a big NO.
Then again, there’s still something missing in my life and I know the idea of having children will come back, as it always does.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
To Kate……who replied on January 3rd….I wonder if you may still check after this much time for a response. I hope So. I love my children, I really do, but……… the Daydreams I used to have about my perfect little family blew up in my face :-(
I have three. When my first son was born I was elated…….then……reality set in. His father was distant and emotionally unavailable :-( I was usually doing all the work of taking care of this little person. I thought things would change, though. I wanted a little girl that would be close to my sons age,so he would have someone to be close to, so she came along shortly after him. Nothing changed with their father and our relationship along with our Finances suffered. I was done having children and losing myself in the role as Mommy. Thats all I seemed to be. The wife part flew right out the window. I was unhappy with my life,my husband,my body, and……my children most of the time (while I never stopped loving them). Then the unimaginable.I got pregnant by mistake. We already had a rocky relationship and the finances couldn’t be stretched any further. We had piled up Credit Card Debt and my husband would not take responsibility for anything. In a way I blamedmyself. My husband hadnt wanted children. I was the one who burdened our relationship by having three quite back to back from my own somewhat selfish reasons of wanting the “perfect” little family. So, all in all, although I love my children, I ( and my relationship) will NEVER be the same. We are trying to make it work and it is a long and rocky road. I wish I would have waited longer after getting married and testing out the marriage to have A child.I wish I had only had my first son and not have wanted to give him a “friend” to grow up with right away. I wish I had not made a mistake and had a third child knowing my marriage couldn’t handle it. I wish….I wish….I wish….But all I can do Is provide as best I can for them, no matter what happens with their father and I.After all, I love them, and owe it to them. I made the decision to bring them into the world and I must make it the best world I can give.