DarrenBarefoot.com

Well.

The world is wide, wicked and wonderful. The urge to share magic, vision and knowledge is/was powerful and magnetic for me. While I didn’t dutifully set out to have kids, I didn’t work against the idea either - and when the news about Ryan came, my first fear was “How can I possibly show him everything there is to see in 18 short years?”

That question’s since dissolved, as it’s obvious now that the objective here isn’t to squeeze content into that time, but rather I’ve got it available to me to develop and instill the eyes with which he can find those things for himself.

Nearly four years later Sarah too was unplanned, but very, very welcome - as I grew up as an only child and my most consistent memory of being a kid, rich and varied as that time was, was the absence of someone to share it with. Imagine, cause trouble and discover with. I carried a pretty big, heavy, nebulous ball of questions and information about everything around me, and it had nowhere to go. Instead, I kept it to myself until I was old enough to write about it. I was grateful Ryan might be spared some of that.

I’m Italian- I’m not an advocate of big families, nor did I come from one. We won’t have any more kids. Economics (micro, and macro), environment, social responsibility - all suffer from unchecked population growth. And to be selfish, I just couldn’t keep up with or attend to any more than I’ve got. Some of this time, these experiences - down the road - need to be solely mine.

But while we’re all here in the same place together, the reward I get in seeing what they see and discover, what clicks, what they attach to and what they reject, what they invent and what they challenge… how their ‘eyes’ are developing… has no equivalent.

Thinking about it now, I think in some ways I viewed having kids as making up for all the lost time. To quiet that strong, wicked craving to share/show the world - I’ve given myself two best friends, partners in crime, ‘pseudo-siblings’ (the ones I’d lived so long without)… students, teachers.

My mind and soul were full. I started pouring, and two children grew.

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I posted a long post on my blog about this before I even saw your post.. hah. So, my answer is there, not here. :) I’ll send a trackback your way.

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Oh, and sociologists use the word “fertile” to refer to the number of children produced. So a less fertile country produces less children. It doesn’t have to do with potential or capability.

It confused me at first, too. My sociology teacher explained that one last week, and my text suddenly made a lot more sense.

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I have one child… and I will never trade her for the world… I have always wanted kids.. to continue my blood line.. weather it be under another name or not… I know that my little one is very special and close to me.. and I’m a sucker for her… why did we choose to have her… well it was simple… no Cable TV at our place…

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Q: Why are only women responding on this topic?

The first two possible answers to come to mind are:
1) this question strikes closer to home with us.
2) the majority of blog readers are female.

Either way, I’d be curious to hear from guys that choose to be childless; there must be some out there (besides my BF - who prefers to remain free to play at, and spend on, extreme sports)…

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T Reply:
July 20th, 2009 at 7:34 am

Life is hard enough, why should I burden myself with poop and puke from a screaming brat that is going to diminish my quality of life and income, just to turn into an ungrateful, disrespectful teenager - I already get that for free from others kids! Oh sure they can occassionaly be cute or say something funny, but they are only angels when they are asleep. It’s awesome when they say I love you, but soon it becomes a line to get what they want, say by 4 if they’re a late bloomer! They aren’t here for you, and won’t be when you’re older, they (like yourself) are here for themselves! A dog is the closest thing to unconditional love you will ever experience from another being, and their whole life they will be genuinely happy to see you.

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Hey “j” …. I hate to say it but I think I’m male… “looks at HIMself” yup.. I’m male….

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I would like to contribute following to this discussion:

�It struck me that I’d heard a lot of engineers say they wished they hadn’t worked so hard on a start-up company, a lot of professors say it was a shame that they’d put their research ahead of their marriage, a lot of lawyers question their value to society, but I’d never heard anyone say he or she regretted time spent raising children. What would happen to my friends if they didn’t realize their goals? Even worse, what would happen if they did realize those goals, then came to see them as not sufficient?
Thinking about all these friends growing older, unmarried, and childless, I shuddered the way I would watching a family stake their whole fortune on double-zero at a Vegas roulette table. �
I got above from Philip Greenspun�s book called �Travels with Samantha� last chapter.. Book is available on line. The book is not about family or children but his conclusion stuck in my mind for some reason.

�Travels with Samantha” web site: http://www.photo.net/samantha/table-of-contents

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T Reply:
July 20th, 2009 at 7:54 am

Never?! I have asked dozens of parents if they would change a thing, every one answered a resounding yes! From ‘would have waited’, to ‘would’ve stopped at one’, to ‘wouldn’t have had any’, all quickly adding they “love” the ones they have - which sounds more like fear of saying such a thing may endanger their kids if they aren’t grateful, than the complete truth. Yes, I think they love them, but no I don’t think they like them. From the damage done to the mothers body to the stress on the parents relationship(s), to the missed opportunities. If the child was truly the center of interest for those folks they would have made the time, it’s their guilt that the child was not that makes for later regret, in an attempt to satisfy everyone. I changed my career and lifestyle for a dog, so truthfully it can be done for a child, if so desired.

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I haven’t got them yet, but I know I’ll get around to it eventually. If you’d asked me three or more years ago I would have said “Children? Yeugh! Not me, thanks!” However, lately I’ve been starting to think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Hardly a ringing endorsement for procreation.

I’m afraid to admit that having children will probably be a very ego-driven activity for me. I’m going to be one of those horrible mothers who wants her children to be the best at something… anything, really. Or not even the best - just to try really hard. Even knowing that I’m going to put my children through a hellish childhood, I still think I can do the world a favour by reproducing. After all, my parents did a pretty good job on me. The world needs more people with good brains and a good self-esteem. If I can produce some, then I’m making a positive contribution.

Plus, I’ll need someone to whom I can bequeath my corporate empire.

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Hi Darren,

I came across your website during the “Flowers for Al and Don” heyday and I have checked back every little while since then for the great links and commentary. Anyway, I am 35 and I just had my second child. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me and my husband. We did want kids - he was a little worried before our daughter was born but got over it very quickly. There is indeed something magical and amazing about the process of growing some new human beings and the act is by far not suitable for those who are selfish or who think that having kids is going to cut into their “me time”. Especially for women, it can be overwhelming to give your self over to these needy, helpless creations for the time that they need you. But to keep it in perspective, that time is relatively short over a lifespan.

I chose to leave the corporate life and the attendant salary and benefits (which were not inconsiderable) after our daughter was born in 2000. My reason for this was primarily selfish for me, I was having too much fun to want to go back to work! I am sure that I can make that kind of money again but I did not want to miss out on my kids being little.

I am by the way a complete feminist who never ever imagined I’d be happy as a stay at home mom but there you go. I still work freelance at night and a bit during the days occasionally just because I love my work. I am really fortunate that my clients do not mind me bringing my son onsite with me when I have to come do work there.

My husband also enjoys being a dad a tremendous amount and always complains when he has to work too much that he is missing the kids. (He is self-employed as well so gets lots of dad time with them.)

I agree with the poster above who mentioned the chance to bring sane-minded individuals into a world with all too few of them, however this can be a crapshoot. I say this because my own father is a stout Republican who we used to reprimand for racist jokes, and wound up with three devoutly lefty kids!! Yes he does feel ganged-up on sometimes, poor guy…

Finally, the ties of family are too strong to ignore. Even when you disagree, your family still loves you (usually!) and I really do feel badly for people who are so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t stand the thought of having kids. I always wonder what their holidays will look like when they are old. To me, having a child is part of what really makes people part of the human race. There is nothing that will fill your heart and break it at the same time like looking into the face of your own child.

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It is odd that no one else has mentioned this, but we are planning on adopting.

Why? Because I have no �need� to give birth, because any child born to us would most likely be guaranteed a loving and bountiful life, while there are so many others in the world who may never have that chance.

We get some grief over this decision (though not from my parents oddly enough). Other people seem to think that we should feel obligated to breed � supposedly we are too intelligent, too good-looking, too loving not to have our own children.

Often I am told (mostly by men) that my biological clock with kick in, and then WATCH OUT. Well I�m 30, when is it supposed to kick in? Last month I had a two-day-late scare (first time ever) that had me in tears over my career, over my ability to carry a child for 9 months, etc. etc. � don�t you think that clock would have clicked in then?

DB, if you want more info, you know where to find me.

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Why did we have a kid? Mainly because my wife and I both believed our respective doctors when they told us we were infertile and we didn’t bother with “protection” as a result.

Oooooooops.

The oops in question is named Ashlyn and she turns three this August. There was a lot of nail-biting when we first found out Jen was pregnant, but we can’t imagine life without our daughter now. She is a constant source of pride and joy for us.

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Devon: Historically, our culture has placed a very high value on self-sacrifice and selflessness. After all, sacrifice is at the core of the Christian values upon which our society has been built. Of course, selflessness isn’t strictly a Christian philosophy, it’s central to Buddhism as well. I can’t speak to Islam, but would be interested to hear from those who can.

Most of our heroes, legendary and real, (up to and including, say, Mother Theresa, Mandela or Ghandi) were concerned with essentially unselfish acts.

Personally, I’m a big advocate of humility and being unselfish. I don’t succeed at either often enough, but if there was a part of my character I could improve, that would be it.

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I thought when I was young that I wanted children but then realised as I got older that it’s just something we grow up thinking that people do once they’re married, it’s the next step. I ask people how they would feel if they were given a 6-year old or a teenager and the response is very different to being given a baby. The fact seems to be that people want babies, but infancy is such a minute part of this new person’s life. If you are going to be a parent you have to accept that you may have a really difficult teenager in your house day-in day-out for years. Or you may have a child that is so sick you are unable to have what you consider a life, for devoting ALL your time to the child’s care. Unfortunately, most people nowadays are so sick fed up of their children that they refuse to provide them a safe house to hang out in with their friends and therefore they hang about the street, but as long as they’re not bugging their parents! Others shove their kids in front of a TV or a computer game, I see very few parents who spend as much time talking and playing with their children as I do with my nieces. Quality time with family is what makes for stable children. My parents always allowed us to have our friends over, as any decent parent would, they got to know our friends and did not put their need for peace and quiet first. If my parents had a social evening with friends over for dinner, we joined them and everyone talked to us as people, then they had their adult-time once we went to bed. It seems now that out of sight is out of mind and many parents are too busy reliving their childhood to bother with someone in their house who may be a bit of a hindrance to their social life. If you commit to having children then you commit to providing for them, taxi-ing them around, teaching them right from wrong and putting their needs before your own for 18 years. I would struggle with any child of mine having to be around kids that have been brought up by parents that don’t do this.

I realised in my early 20’s that I didn’t want children. The very wanting of children I see as quite selfish, the children do not get any say in being born. If someone feels a deep biological urge then I have no problem with that, but so many people, when pressed, will admit that they want someone who will love them unconditionally or someone to look after them in their old age and bring that person up believeing that to be their role. Who’s selfish? Would you have a child if you knew in advance that at 16 it would leave home and you would barely hear from it until the day you die?

Maybe it’s because given the choice now I would choose not to have been born. Don’t get me wrong I have accepted that I do exist and there’s no way around that without hurting those close to me so I am at peace with it and make a point of living life to the full. I enjoy my life, I have a great family, fantastic adopted nieces that I would die for, I love my husband and my life is very fulfilled and varied, but due to having a very high IQ (resulting in a slight personality disorder) and a strong tendency towards Maths and logic, I struggle with understanding the world, more than most. I can’t cope with all the PC talk instead of people talking about reality, or the banality of everyday conversations about trivia. I can’t understand jealousy or envy, emotional blackmail or people wallowing in self-pity and expecting other people to solve their problems rather than getting up and changing their life themself.

I would hate to think that I had brought a child into this world for it to wish it had never been born. I also have two potentially genetic conditions that I could pass onto a child which would not help it’s life. Also the world is already overpopulated, it’s just that the distribution of the population is wrong.

There are kids out there that already exist that really need a home, and every home that brings a new child into the world removes a place for one of these kids. My choice is to provide a home to kids that already exist and didn’t get a choice in existing but have suffered for the decisions made by so called adults. It takes a very special person to adopt and not everyone has enough love in them to do it. The easy option is to create a child yourself. I’m not one for taking the easy option, I’d prefer to take the option that actually helps society.

Just my views and no criticism to people that have kids, as adults we do what we feel we need to do, it’s just my perspective on things.

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My husband just told me today that he does not want children. I am torn. The thought of never having children breaks my heart.. but I am left wondering if it is because I want them or because society and the way I was raised decrees I should want them. We have a very comfortable life.

Perplexed.

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wow, this is a nice site, it s great to see the different opinions, none are good or bad, if we look at the facts , they are there, for parents and people who desire kids, its the best thing in their life, for people who dont want, such is their decisions, i guess if we all want no kids, in a 100 years, the show will be over, maybe the plantet does need a break, but that she will tell us in time, i guess people should do as their hearts tell them and remain honnest in their decisions, trying to look at all the facts without getting emotionnally involved.. good luck and enjoy no matter what you do… vaya con dias freddy

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people have kids for a reason u should all know that there is no future without kids if dont have one well its ur choice somepeople dont adopt teenager for a strong reason they ur already going to be an adult and what happen to them u cant help becuz they have their all ready have mentality to do what want causa of the parents they follow thier distructive pattern they hurt the adoptive person trying to help by stealing and doing drugs ,etc

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I’m a 30 year old male and to be honest, I’m still unsure about whether I should have children or not.
Sometimes I get the feeling that something’s missing in my life and obviously the first thing that comes to mind is children. Well, maybe not “obviously” but that’s my case.
That said, I don’t think that’s a very good reason to have children. You should have children because you want to, not because you think something’s missing or to fill a void in your life.
I can’t deny that every now and then I daydream about having a little daughter, but I guess that’s a common dream to some people.
Sometimes I feel immature when I find myself thinking about children! They are not a new house or a new car that you buy and get bored of a few years. They are forever and they are human beings.
Something else to remember is that they’ll grow up. They’ll only be children for a few years. Before you know it, they are going to be teenagers trying sex, drugs and who knows what else and there’s nothing you can do to keep them safe. They are going to do it anyway and actually, you are the one giving them the money for it.
Just as I write this, an interesting question came to me: Would I have children if they were born as 12 year old teenagers? Would you? Put this way, I think my answer is a big NO.
Then again, there’s still something missing in my life and I know the idea of having children will come back, as it always does.

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This is a very relevant discussion for me, as for a lot of people, I suppose.
I’m 34, with 4 cats, a dog and a husband (not necessarily in that order). My husband says he doesn’t want kids, mainly because he’s afraid of passing on depression, he doesn’t want to lose the stage we’ve finally gotten our lives to, he would want to move so the kid could grow up in a better school system… And a very large part of it is that he is a special ed teacher and he sees what the parents go through and that scares the bejesus out of him.
Me- I’ve always kind of been fine with putting it off, but now I kind of have to decide (being a Gemini, not something I’m great at…). I’m fairly okay with not having a kid. I think I’m mostly “afraid” of missing out on that uncomparable bond everyone talks about. I love kids (teenagers not so much- but apparently you just go with the flow), but can just borrow my friends kids.
Money is a huge issue. My job pays very little, and my husband is a public school teacher. ‘Nuff said. I know the money “gets reshuffled”, but we’re stretched pretty thin as it is, and I am concerned it would put a huge strain on a family.
I really don’t think it’s a selfish or unselfish issue, and I find it interesting that people throw judgement around so easily about something that is such an important decision.
We would both be great parents- my husband’s fears aside. There just seem to be so many variables. My husband did come home the other day asking if we could name the kid Iggy, so I think he’s getting used to the idea. I’m still not sure.
So that’s where I’m at. I really think this a great discussion and am thrilled to have found it. Thanks!

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At the moment im undecided about having kids and im finding this blog very useful. So thanks to all of u. My husband is as undecided as i am and i’m not sure if the decision will ever be made. Trouble is im starting to feel the clock ticking. I am 27 and he is 37. Fertility declines at 30 for females and 40 for males. Up until a year ago i was closer to deciding against kids, however thats starting to change. Im stuck wondering if thats because im genuinley broody or is it because im worried i’m missing out! Everyone in my social circle has had kids excluding a few nieces under 16. I was recently told by an aunt to ‘get a move on if u dont want to die lonely!’
I’m also curious about being pregnant and the sensations that everyone describes. I would like to know what it feels like. Im aware that on its own thats a rather silly reason to committ yourself to another person for at least 18 years. However the curiosity just wont go away.
Is there anybody else out there who feels this overwhelming curiosity too?
Ive asked tonnes of people their reasons for having kids but nobody has given me this reason. Did they feel the same way and not want to admitt it or is it just me?

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I think that if someone does decide to have a kid, it should be because she (and her partner) wants one, not because of pressure from family or friends. Of course, I’m fairly fortunate that most of my family has stopped bugging me about it- I get really annoyed when someone tries to shove their wants onto me. Just because you don’t have a child does not mean you are going to die lonely (although it is something that goes through my mind from time to time), just as having a child doesn’t mean you are going to die fulfilled. It’s not at all fair for someone to try to scare you into having kids.
As for being judged about parenting skills- screw ‘em! Everyone’s a critic and I think the best thing we could do for our kids is to teach them how to sanely handle unwanted and unjust criticism.
Fears can be worked on. I think knowing is half the battle. As long as you are aware of what you fear, you have an edge up on it. You can go into it knowing what to watch for and remembering to step back and take a look at why you are reacting to something a certain way. Nobody’s perfect, you can only try to be the best you can (yeah, that came across a little weird, but you know what I mean)…
Fear of the physical pain of it all- I hear you there! Yikes. But, women have been doing it for this long, with back pain and all, so I think that can be dealt with. I have sciatica and know that would be a great time! :)

All of this said, I still am no closer to a decision, although today I’m leaning more toward a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Most days, it seems like I’m below a 5, with the occasional bout of “I do want a kid!” thrown in there just to keep me on my toes.

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I’m 40 years old, 15 weeks pregnant with my first child and still totally ambivalent about the kid thing. Terrible, I know. Less than a year ago, my husband and I decided to give it a try with the caveat that if we were unsuccessful, we would give up completely or adopt. I am the youngest of 4 and have never really been into babies or children. Mostly, because I believe they are smarter than adults and know it. They can sense a phony from a mile away. They are really quite intimidating. Well, even though I was over 40, within 3 months I was pregnant. We had a scare about 2 weeks ago when the first genetic screening came back with a 1 in 23 chance of Downs Syndrome. We were upset but part of it was the concern that I had gone through 3 months of pregnancy for nothing and might have to start all over. I just received the results of the CVS yesterday. No Downs and the baby is a boy. I was elated for a few hours but now I am back to the ambivalence.

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I am 37 and have been ignoring the issue, to have or not to have… My husband, 43 would rather not as we are raising his two kids from a previous relationship. They are teenagers. He just told me the other day that he was now “on board” if i wanted to have kids. Now he keeps talking about it and it is making me think hard. i am so scared but all of my same age friends tell me that when your baby arrives it is the best thing that has ever happened to you. I am that person that has always loved my freedom, love to travel, but I feel like there is something missing in my life. I think it might be me being a mother!!!! I am scared to make that commitment. I’m a Gemini:) How do you decide. Either way i guess my life is good!

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My husband and I are having this discussion, again. I told him about a year ago I didn’t want kids and asked if he was okay with that, giving him the option to be with someone else. He said he was, followed with “but I think you will change your mind”. I assured him I wouldn’t…

This weekend he brought it up again, and was adamant about wanting kids. We discussed the pro and cons. I agreed that I would love any child unconditionally and with so much passion, which scares me. Most because I am a worrier and know that I would constantly worry about our child/children, and would be so stressed.

I also like our current lifestyle and freedom. I have a hereditary condition that could make giving birth a risk to me (intercranial pressure) and I could also pass that on to any child we have, it’s sometimes dibilitating.

I do love kids and have seven nieces and nephews that I adore, ages 2 to 16. I am very scared of babies, so I have entertained the thought of adoption, around the age of 6.

My husband’s wants seem to be having a child of his own, that doesn’t seem like the best reason to me. He wants a child he can raise to be proud of, so the argument of “Nature Vs Nurture” comes into play. How much of a child is influenced by the parents and how much is just who they are.?.

Doing reasearch I cam across two books: “I’m okay, you’re a brat” and “The Mask of Motherhood”. I will be buying them today and suggested to my husband that he reads them.

At 27 I have time to decide, but my husband doesn’t feel that he has time to wait…so we will take steps to be educated about having kid’s and raising them.

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