DarrenBarefoot.com

I’d have to suggest that it’s genetic conditioning. I know a couple who never wanted children, until *oops* they had one. Now they want more!

There have been studies done (before ethics committees) that show if you take a baby away from all human contact - but give it all the mechanical means to stay alive, it will die anyway, from lack of love and bonding. I’m guessing parents are also genetically affected (be it through hormonal changes for women, or the effects of some strange “baby pheromones” for men) and compelled to bond with and take care of their children.

It seems like nature’s way of ensuring that we continue to propagate the species - instead of abandoning babies by the side of the road or something.

Again, I too am not saying it’s a good or bad thing - it’s just my own reasoning for it.

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Jen: I thought that was why they made babies cute? So that you’d think “Oh, how adorable!” rather than, “Look! An open hillside to expose my child upon!” :)

I suppose some hormones/instinct/socializing is helpful as well. (I hesitate to say it’s all biological, as I’ve seen adoptive parents who are more gung-ho about their child than many parents. I’ve also seen parents who aren’t all that impressed with this small, squalling, redfaced thing that won’t stop extruding poo.)

I think, like almost everything, that it’s a bit of nature and nurture. Some people want babies so bad they can taste it. Some people don’t want babies, but if they screwed up and had one, they’d do a pretty good job. And some people shouldn’t have kids because they’re bad, neglectful parents who missed the “baby bonding” part of parenthood.

People keep telling me I’d make a good mother. They might be right, although there’s a niggling part of me that keeps saying “Uh, remember how selfish you are? That don’t jive.” Which is good, because it keeps me from ever wanting one. :)

I’ve got a 3 year old sister. What do I need a kid for?

I think basically, I agree completely with Julie, except for the expensive shoes. My money is much better spent on yarn and books and sex toys and cute little tops and expensive meals and the occasional gift for my sister.

YMMV. :)

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I’m gonna have kids so I have someone to pay for my retirement home when I run out of money down the road.

But seriously, I think when people say it’s the “most important thing that ever happened to them” it’s because it’s probably the most life-changing thing. That, and they’re now completely sleep-deprived so they can’t exercise rational judgement and remember the details of anything that happened to them pre-baby. I can’t think of any other life event which causes such a drastic and permanent change to your life, whether you enjoy that change or not. All of a sudden, you have someone completely dependent on you, who will continue to be dependent on you in some way for the next 16 to 25 years. Some people like that idea, other people hate it, but I don’t think there’s anything else that compares. Even marriage. *wink*

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I completely respect people who don’t want to have children and who are responsible about it. However, I’m not sure that talk of the world being a horrible place is reason alone for not having kids. I’d hate to think that they’d leave the world to liars, cheaters, thieves, Luddites, SUV drivers, and all the people who voted for Bush. There’s no guarantee that your kid will not embrace any of those roles, but at least you have a fighting chance if you even try to raise a person with values, critical thinking skills, and a sense of social responsibility. If all the non-evil people die out, then we might as well give up on the world. I don’t think we should talk in terms of kids growing up to change the world all on their own. But I’d like to think that small changes ripple and collect to become waves. There are so many people who don’t hold doors open (figurative or literal) for others that just one person making the effort does make a difference. Maybe not the difference that Suzuki, Banting, Douglas, Fox or, um, Lavigne make, but a meaningful difference never-the-less.

Of course, let me get back to you in February. We’ll see how my theory on changing the world through cloth diapers works out.

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You described my own feelings about parenthood very well, Darren. It’s a mix of “why bring a child into this crazy world” and “how could one change their lifestyle so drastically”.

You said: “Both groups frequently remark that it’s “the best thing that ever happened to me” or “the most important event in my life”. Yet, I’m rarely able to distill why that’s the case.”

Same with me. The only time parents ever say anything positive to me about parenthood is when I tell them that I don’t think I want children. Then they finally stop complaining about how tired they are, how they can’t undestand their youngest, how there are too many homeworks to do, how they don’t have any adult social life, how they haven’t travelled in 8 years, how they haven’t been able to write or read since the baby was born, to tell me that I’m wrong and that I shouldn’t pass on motherhood because “it’s the best thing that happened to them”. I know there’s more to parenthood than the daily complaining but sometimes it’s really, really hard to see it.

What I’m surprised to see though is that people who claim that they want children because they like to be around them do not generally consider alternative parenting. You don’t have to reproduce to have a relationship with a child: you can be a very present aunt/uncle, a godparent, a mentor or a big sister/brother. There are so many kids in the world (or even next door) who don’t get the attention and the love they need and crave, so many parents who are overworked and tired!

I know that the desire to have kids is not such a rational thing, but still, I wish we would consider alternative way of parenting more than we actually do. A lot of people would be a much better big sister/brother than a parent and would probably be happier with this “solution” than with full parenting.

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One thing people don’t perhaps think about at the time the issue of kids starts to come up (too much keeping up with the Jones, enjoying dual incomes and having fun, you know) but realize later in life is that a child is the most tangible evidence that something of you - hopefully good - lives on after you die.
In my family, sure my dad’s work and his art and his travels and his experiences made him what he was, but it was his love for his children that mattered when illness made him reassess what his life had really meant. Kind of a shocking thing to absorb when you are younger, but there it is - an emotional truth. I’m glad I know it now.
Plus, there is that whole “a baby is the expression of your love made corporeal” thing. Sure works for me.

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Julie: One thing you have to keep in mind is that not everybody gives a rats ass if they leave something behind.

It’s like when you go camping in the back woods. The responsible camper follows the code of “leave nothing behind.” Now, I fully acknowledge that I’m producing a heck of a lot of garbage, being a typical western creature. However, that doesn’t mean I need to leave behind another creature to leave behind MORE garbage.

I don’t agree with everything this site says, since I’m not quite a tree-hugging hippy (hah), but a lot of it speaks to me:

http://www.vhemt.org/

I occasionally worry about what I’ll do when I’m old and can no longer work (or don’t want to.) So, I’m hoping that I sock away enough savings in my youth to survive when I’m old and decrepit. I’m also hoping that my baby sister is filthy stinking rich so that both my mom & I can leech off of her. I have no doubt that CPP will be non-existent by the time I’m old enough to take advantage of it. And, it’s a darn good reason to spoil her now: She’ll be choosing my nursing home. ;)

Gotta find me a job with a pension plan… :)

I have no problem with people who want kids. That’s fine, fill your boots. I do have a problem with people who think that EVERYONE should have kids. It’s called “choice”, make it for yourself, not for other people. Any time I get on the topic of birth control, and I mention that I’d like to get sterlized, I almost *always* get at least one person saying something like “Oh, you don’t really want to do that, do you?” No, I just picked it up out of thin air. I thought it’d be the cool thing to do today. Mmm, surgery! Fun!

Then there’s the old “Nobody ever wishes they’d spent less time with their family and more time at work.” Uh, bull. Lots of people do. However, it’s not the most politically correct thing to say, so nobody talks about it. But when you look at how many children are abused, neglected, given up, murdered… obviously some people don’t fit the model of the typical parent after all. Hell, even if you don’t go that far, how many parents are dying to go back to work at the end of their parental leave? Tons.

Do I want to risk having a kid, only to neglect it because I didn’t want to stop playing the Sims or reading my book? Not particularly. :)

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It’s like asking why you fall in love. That’s what happens when you have children.

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Nieces. Three nieces. I knew I should have hit “preview”. Damn.

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Like someone stated above, it’s all about choice. If you do, you do, if you don’t, you don’t. Over-thinking it won’t help.

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Derek, I think you’ve hit it right on the nose. Well said!

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I wanted (one) kid because I genuinely like children, and had done A LOT of childcare in various capacities over the years. Also because I have hope for the world: I see Julie’s point, but I also see the civil rights movement, the general consensus being established that murder and slavery is a bad thing, the women’s rights movement, all the people who *didn’t* vote for Bush, the Underground Railway and… And I’m a PollyAnna.

HOWEVER: Having a child was completely different than looking after other people’s children. Not at all what I had expected. As I said, I’d done tons of childcare, even over extended periods of time, and I was shocked at the differences. So, you may say that my Planned Parenthood shocked and thrilled me by being Not At All What I Had Planned.

So, why are we (Parents) largely on the same “best thing that ever happened to me?” page? Well, because it is the best thing that ever happened.

But here:

1st) There’s biology at play, for sure. I’ve never met a drug or activity that has reproduced the rapture? of love for my little guy.
It would be like explaining falling in love to someone who hasn’t, or explaining lust to someone who hasn’t gone there - just plain hard to describe without waxing poetic.

2nd) I have also used the “programming an artificial intelligence” metaphor in my son’s earlier years. There’s something creative in parenting that is unmatched - and I have been a creative person in other venues. It’s also WAY more challenging than a knotty sentence or a note hit off-key.

3rd) Common Culture. The construction of family is a powerful cultural activity: I think it’s why the Christian Right gets all uppity on the family values plank. If you can remember being a child of a young enough age, you might identify feeling surprised that the rest of the world wasn’t identical to your family… (Which may have been good or bad.) I’m creating the WHOLE WORLD to my son: the map upon which he’ll evaluate all other ideas. One of my goals is that he’ll be able to challenge the “hegemony” I’ve constructed - I’m trying to build questioning into the fabric.

4th) Surprise and Mystery. Unlike with an adult, a kid isn’t fully ‘completed’. So, I know what my friends and my husband will most likely say. Not so with my son, who thrills me continually with uninhibited, questioning views of things we assume. A kid has no prejudice about anything except his/her need for his/her parent: the sun may not come up tomorrow, gravity may not be a constant, it’s all magic. A parent is continually surprised that this person that they love so much is largely unknown. It’s a lifetime journey of finding on both sides.

5th) I’m not from a Christian faith, but still. It’s a miracle. It’s a communion. Yes, it’s commonplace - any cat or cockroach can also have progeny. “Little angels” can grow up to be Stalin.
However, whether you look at it as emergant evolutionary structures or something from a higher power, when you have a kid you’re physically confronted with the biggest mystery of all. Why are we here? Why, kid, are you here? And where the hell did you come from? My UTERUS? Shut up. Really? Even though I’m of the Science Tribe, I am AWED by the fact that it’s possible that some random molecules decided to start evolving to put us all here. My son really connected me to that awe.

6th) Not being the center of your own universe. It’s amazing. I’ve had (as do a lot of new moms), to get more of myself back, but the fundamental definition of who I am underwent the biggest flux it’s ever sustained. And it was a good thing.

Awe, wonder, mystery, surprise, love, challenge, culture, creativity, more love, frustration, excitement, satisfaction, and good old fun ( I haven’t been trick or treating in years ), and that’s why I’m a parent.

Each parent experiences these things differently. Some people don’t really want to be parents: I’m not of the mind that people should have children if they don’t want to. It is the hardest job I’ve ever taken on, by a long shot; personally I’ve been *forced* to grow (no weekends off), and you’re constantly aware of being seen as the omnipotent, omniscient Parent and trying really really hard not to screw up.

Still, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

I *do* wish that more of the folks I respect (intelligent, loving, open-minded, world-thinking people) who are a little older would get into it, just so that I have interesting people to talk to at play group.

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On being a parent

Darren Barefoot, purveyor of Flowers for Al and Don and other wonderfulishness, posted in his blog:

Parents talking about giving birth sound to me like the newly-converted talking about their faith. Both groups frequently remark that it’s “the bes…

I am not having children for a number of reasons. Yes because I like time to myself, I like it just being me and my boyfriend, I like time to do my own personal hobbies and taking part in my passions. But also because, if I had children, I would be forgotten when their children had children. You become forgotten in a few generations time. Your kids will die and their kids will die. If the world ended tomorrow, we’d all die. The way I continue on in this world is by doing something great. I don’t have to have someone who looks like me or came from my body to care for them or nurture them. We have so many people in this world who are unloved, who are suffering…they need care and love. I have no business creating more people when there are millions of children who die before the age of 5 because of AIDS. I have no business bringing another mouth to feed into the world when there are so many who are starving…millions really.
When we are doing things to this planet that are, without a doubt (The greatest scientists and professors of our time are saying) are going to kill off the human race…I have no business bringing children onto this planet.
Lets admit it, being in this world is not a joy ride. We have wars, dirty politics, more illess and less healthcare, a terrible economy, violence like we’ve never seen before, suicide rates are on the rise…it’s no place to bring more kids into. For their sake, it is not a place for kids. I know if I had the choice to be born today I wouldn’t and everyone I have spoken to says the same thing. I can see it too. I had a sister who has two children who became suicidally depressed from financial trouble. I have two others who nearly lost her house, as have several of my friends and their friends too. Everyone I know is on incredible amounts of meds just to get by and can’t really afford it. Jobs are hard to come by. Schools are so messed up it is not even funny. My desires or need to be whole are not all that counts in this world. I’d sacrifice myself if it meant making this world a better place because that is just how serious the situation is. I know many people who have children who are miserable, their marriages are suffering and yet I look at people like Mother teresa, who never had children…she cared for everyone–the ill, the poor, the starving and the dying and she had such a glow about her. There are things in this world that are just as fulfilling as having children, even more so. Sadly, most people never experience those things. What must it be like to hold the hand of an elderly person in their final moments when they have never had anyone in their entire lives? Or to feed a child a decent meal when they have barely eaten in months? I saw a program with actress Lucy Lawless, she held a little boy whose hand was rotting off from sucking on it for so long as a substitute for food. The mother said she almost with he would die because he was so sick and literally rotting alive. In the Congo they make mothers eat their children in a stew as a method of warfare. We are so overpopulated and quickly reaching our planets living capacity–again not me saying this, but rather scientists. It’s no longer a matter of choice and what WE WANT, or even need. It is a matter of HAVING to take care of our issues and those that are already here and need us.

I often hear that we as a species will die out if we quick reproducing. The fact is we as a species will die out if we continue to procreate at the rate we are.

There is a world to see, incredible people from different cultures to meet, befriend and learn from, depths in our souls to be discovered if we dare to spend our lives with ourselves, secrets in the universe to be unlocked, an endless amount of mind blowing learning experiences to be had and many people that NEED help. Key word is NEED. Their lives and this world rests with us.
Think outside the box.

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