Eaten by Murphy

I know I just put this site on pause for a couple of days, but something just happened that I wanted to write about.

Having worked late last night, I settled down for a little afternoon nap. I lay in bed, snoozing and listening to my iPod.

That’s when my wall bed decided to eat me.

Wall (or ‘murphy’) beds are spring-loaded. They’re designed to make it easy for anybody to lift or lower the bed. They’re calibrated so that when you bring the bed down, it will stay there by itself. The bed is also fixed to the wall, to keep it open when users add extra weight to the mattress.

As I mentioned a few weeks back, we had a flood. Because of moisture in the walls of our bedroom, our wall bed had to be moved to a different wall. It was separated from the the large wardrobe that usually sits beside it (an important point, as it turns out).

I’m in bed, eyes closed, listening to The Da Vinci Code (hey, it was free). The next thing I know, the bed frame has pulled away from the wall and closed on me like a giant mouth.

It was more shocking than painful. I probably wasn’t hurt because I was under a duvet, and on my back. Hence, the force of the bed frame was distributed over my entire body. Happily, there’s a gap in the back of the bed frame, so my head wasn’t hit. It certainly knocked the wind out of me, though.

There I am, stuck under the bed, feeling a bit, like, I don’t know, Captain Hook in the alligator’s mouth. Only my head, shoulders and arms are free. The bed frame is made of solid wood, spring-loaded and, you know, bigger than a bed. I’ve got the musculature of an 11-year-old boy, so there was no chance I was going to be able to flip the bed off me.

My phone was nearby, though, as I’d set an alarm on it. I didn’t much fancy the idea of some burly firemen entering my suite to slide my unclothed body out from the yawning mouth of the bed.

Eventually, after moving aside all the bedding, I was able to squeeze myself out of the gap between the bed frame and mattress sections. Thank goodness for the regular exercise I’ve been doing over the past few months. Another 10 or 15 pounds and I’d have been stuck like a fat rat in a trap.

Happily, the carpenter has already arrived to resolve the issue and ensure that the bed doesn’t eat anybody else. It’s a cautionary tale, though, should you ever sleep in a wall bed—check how well it’s fastened to the wall.

Comments

Sean Hagen said:

Maybe it was just feeling lonely, and wanted a hug?

May 10, 2006 02:13 PM

Gail said:

That's the second funniest thing I've read all day. Very descriptive. I take it a photo was impossible...?(cameraphone? kidding...)

I was almost eaten by a sofabed when I was trying to push it back together. Damn springs.

May 10, 2006 03:23 PM

Rob said:

Darren, that's awesome. I laughed out loud picturing that whole ordeal. Do you have your concierge on speed dial for next time? :)

May 10, 2006 05:36 PM

rebekah said:

After a day of pulling out my hair writing my thesis, this was EXACTLY what I needed to read. I nearly lost it. Thanks, db -- and I'm glad you escaped (relatively) unscathed.

May 10, 2006 08:02 PM

Heather said:

You know, you hear about these things happening, but it's still funny.

(glad you weren't hurt, though. The bed would never have been able to live with itself)

May 10, 2006 08:16 PM

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