October 26th, 2006

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Travel
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The Shyness of the Samurai

Sarah Marchildon is teaching English in rural Japan, and I’ve been enjoying her regular reports of volleyball practice and getting drunk with the mayor. In her latest installment, she discusses the myriad of difficulties in finding single, age-appropriate men in her small town:

“Japanese are shy!” yelled the 27-year-old social studies teacher. “Japanese man has Samurai soul! Samurai are shy!”

I politely pointed out that a truly shy person wouldn’t be screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of a restaurant about how shy he was.

His response was to yell even louder. “I WILL BE YOUR BOYFRIEND!” He then drew imaginary circles around his nipples while chanting something that sounded like, “Ling, ling, ling, ling, ling, ling, ling, ling.”

I have no advice for her. Maybe there are some Japanese people out there, or former English-teachers-abroad, who can advise on love on the eastern shores?

Comments: 5 Responses so far

Pete Quily
October 26th, 2006
9:31 am

I taught ESL in Japan for 3 years a while back, and it’s going to be tough for any western women. Japanese women were very, very friendly to western men since a redneck here would often be seen as mr. sensitive over there, and in very high demand by many Japanese women, sometimes just because it was a status symbol to have a western boyfriend. Some foreigners I knew stayed there just for the women, said they were more feminine then western women. And feminine in this case doesn’t mean subserviant. How many Cdn men would give their paycheques to their wives and accept an weekly allowance from them?

One American woman explained her woes when I was there as follows. The western men will be quickly taken by Japanese women, and some Japanese men on one hand find western women physically attractive, but on the other hand are afraid of them because they’re seen as too loud, demanding, independent and assertive and different (compared to Japanese women), therefore scary. She concluded that many western women just gave in to celibacy while in Japan.

Nearly every western guy I knew had a Japanese girlfriend or wife. As someone who sometimes likes to do things differently, while I found Japanese women very attractive and very, very friendly, I ended up with a Chinese girlfriend while I was there. I only knew of one western women who had a Japanese boyfriend.

If she’s living in a rural area and she’s “fearless fiercely independent” it will be a lot worse in a non independent, group oriented culture. Maybe she could focus on learning the Japanese culture intensely and finding a group of westerners in Japan online or in person (if she’s willing to travel) maybe joining The Japan Association for Language Teaching (JALT)http://www.jalt.org/
and talk to some of the western women their for some tips, but…

[Reply]

Jason
October 26th, 2006
1:15 pm

I think Pete has got it dead on. Most Japanese men seem to be intimidated by “western” women. I’d imagine it would be even worse out in the rural parts. (I spent most of my three years in and around Tokyo.)

But, on the other hand, it’s a big, big country. A few of those 65-million-odd men (how do I punctuate that without being offensive?) there’ve got to be a few willing to brave the unknown and date a non-Japanese woman. I do know a few Canadian and British women who dated Japanese guys, and one friend from the Maritimes who is happily married there and with family.

If I have any actual advice, at all, it would maybe be:

1) Keep up that drinking. Alcohol is a fine social wheel-greaser, there even more than anywhere else I’ve ever lived. If anything’s going to get those “shy” Japanese guys to overcome their inhibitions it’s booze.

2) If you’re comfortable stooping to this, try emulating the Japanese women you see around you - if only for as long as it takes to get the foot in the door, so to speak. The less “different” you are - at least on a social level - the less men will be intimidated.

3) Take the opportunity to study the language while you’re there and then get your butt to Tokyo as soon as you can!

(P.S. Darren, I had problems with the link to your friend’s site. Otherwise, I would have left this comment there, rather than on your blog.)

[Reply]

Maktaaq
October 27th, 2006
7:36 am

If it makes your friend feel better, both my best friend (an American) and I had (very handsome) nice Japanese boyfriends in rural Japan. It can be done; while the two male commenters above are well-meaning, it’s not as bleak as that.

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Arwen
October 27th, 2006
10:50 pm

Well, we’re not *in* Japan, but 2 of my very close friends have white moms and Japanese dads. So it can certainly happen.

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Kathleen
November 22nd, 2006
5:39 pm

I am currently involved in a relationship with a “shy” Japanese man. Our meeting wasn’t typical — after having lived in Japan for 2 1/2 years, I was *very* surprised that this very good-looking guy who’d caught my eye earlier in the evening was actually brave enough to make EYE CONTACT with me and … SMILE!! (There’s always a first time for everything, I guess.) Anyway, we met about 8 months ago, and we are still going strong. I think Japanese “shyness” is very different from the definition of Western “shyness”. While my guy is apt to speak in a very loud voice and laugh in bellowing guffaws, he has told me over and over how “hazukashii” (shy) he is in other situations. His shyness comes out in public displays of affection and telling me how he feels about me when other people are around. Lucky for me, he’s a total “love-love” (the Western equivalent might be “lovey-dovey”) sweetheart when we are in private. Although I still find it hard to deal with his public “persona” at times, I am learning to deal with the cutural differences day by day (as I’m sure he is too!). Cross-cultural relationships are inevitably difficult, but soooo much fun!! There’s so much to learn and so many ways to grow. Get out there, Sarah, and find yourself a shy Japanese man!! You may find out they are more wonderful than you could have ever imagined!
-Kathleen

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