November 4, 2002

Sales Team Achieves UnHoly Troika: Porn, Guns and Heroin

The sales force of, a Web services management solutions vendor, closed deals with three important new clients in early November. GlobalFishMonger, and Laramie Narcotics all signed deals with the start-up in this emerging sector. Rumored to be seven-figure deals, this is apparently the first serious money to generated by Web services by anyone, anywhere.

A quick summary of the new customers:

  • GlobalFishMonger is a leading pornographic content generator, streaming live video to roughly 10 million desktops a day.
  • distributes assault rifles, handguns and high-yield, depleted uranium to private citizens.
  • Laramie Narcotics ('Taste the Flavor') focuses on untapped markets for its consumer opiates, including pre-teens and the catatonic.'s CEO Matt Ratushny comments: "Well, frankly, we did have some misgivings about making deals with these ethnically-dubious markets. But then the folks from GlobalFishMonger showed up with this big cardboard cheque for 1.2 mill, and our fears kind of just evaporated. Up to now, the biggest sale we'd made was to for 400 bucks and some cheese sandwiches." Ratushny's desk was cluttered with free samples from his new customers. "Hey, do you get high? We've been main-lining all afternoon." CEO Matt Ratushny's desk

Abby Plavsic, Public Relations Manager for, offered a more reserved response to the new deals. "We're very pleased. We try not to think of these companies as vendors of pornography or assault rifles. We like to describe them as 'vice satisfiers'."

Bobby Spicoli, spokesperson for GlobalFishMonger, recognized that Web services were an important disruptive technology. "Frankly, we're not really sure what it's all about. The vendors just came in and this nifty looking architecture diagram. There were so many arrows and boxes...we were blown away. Plus, our big vault of money was overflowing. There was barely any room to roll around in there. So, we blew a cool million on this Web services stuff. Being in the adult entertainment industry, we know a thing or two about servicing, eh?"


    Disclaimer: uses invented names, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and unintentional. Another satire site by Darren Barefoot.