November 4, 2002
Sales Team Achieves UnHoly Troika: Porn, Guns and Heroin
The sales force of Embedtechweb.com, a Web services management
solutions vendor, closed deals with three important new clients
in early November. GlobalFishMonger, GreasyBarrel.com and Laramie
Narcotics all signed deals with the start-up in this emerging sector.
Rumored to be seven-figure deals, this is apparently the first serious
money to generated by Web services by anyone, anywhere.
A quick summary of the new customers:
GlobalFishMonger is a leading pornographic content generator, streaming live video to roughly 10 million desktops a day.
- GreasyBarrel.com distributes assault rifles, handguns and high-yield,
depleted uranium to private citizens.
- Laramie Narcotics ('Taste the Flavor') focuses on untapped markets
for its consumer opiates, including pre-teens and the catatonic.
Embedtechweb.com's CEO Matt Ratushny comments: "Well, frankly,
we did have some misgivings about making deals with these ethnically-dubious
markets. But then the folks from GlobalFishMonger showed up with
this big cardboard cheque for 1.2 mill, and our fears kind of just
evaporated. Up to now, the biggest sale we'd made was to World.com
for 400 bucks and some cheese sandwiches." Ratushny's desk was cluttered
with free samples from his new customers. "Hey, do you get high?
We've been main-lining all afternoon."
Embedtechweb.com CEO Matt Ratushny's desk
Abby Plavsic, Public Relations Manager for Embedtechweb.com, offered a more reserved response
to the new deals. "We're very pleased. We try not to think of these companies as vendors of pornography
or assault rifles. We like to describe them as 'vice satisfiers'."
Bobby Spicoli, spokesperson for GlobalFishMonger, recognized that
Web services were an important disruptive technology. "Frankly,
we're not really sure what it's all about. The Embedcom...tech...uh...the
vendors just came in and this nifty looking architecture diagram.
There were so many arrows and boxes...we were blown away. Plus,
our big vault of money was overflowing. There was barely any room
to roll around in there. So, we blew a cool million on this Web
services stuff. Being in the adult entertainment industry, we know
a thing or two about servicing, eh?"