September 19th, 2004

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Mixed Bag
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Naming Your Children

Tim Bray writes about the found poetry of his kid’s kindergarten class list:

The names in my kid’s kindergarten class: Brennan, Edinah-Rose, Fionnuala, Gabriella, Isaiah, Isaiah, Jacob, Joseph, Hennessy, Michaela, Nicolas, Noah, Patrick, Ronan, Sam, Sean, Sophie, Sophie. That’s poetry of a kind, written in the language of parents’ dreams. Sitting down together to start the day, still unsmudged for a few quiet minutes, words can’t describe their beauty. Think you might be able to match ethnic groups with names? Forget it.

This is a delightful list, though surprisngly Anglo-Saxon and biblical for a class of Vancouver kids. Tim’s comment on ethnic groups reminded me of a pet peeve.

I am, in any number of ways, a relatively-conservative curmudgeon. One of those ways is the naming of children. I have no children, and have never meaningfully contributed to the naming of another child. Nonetheless, I have devised a few simple rules for safely naming your kids:

  1. Do not draw on an ethnic tradition that is not your own. This to me smacks of cultural imperialism and a kind of yearning for deeper roots. As a Canadian of many generations, I can sympathize with your lame, vanilla, Anglo-Saxon background. Tough luck.
  2. Do not devise a creative spelling for your child’s otherwise-ordinary name. All you’re doing is making yourself look flaky and cursing the kid with a lifetime of saying, “uh, no, with two i’s”.
  3. As a kind of corollary to #2, don’t use a normal-looking name but insist on an abnormal pronounciation. Unfortuntaly, the kid may do this on their own when they get to college.
  4. Do not manufacture a name. People have been naming children for thousands of years. All of human history has done a better job inventing names than you will. Buy a baby name book and pick one you like.

As I understand it, there are many, many occasions to be creative in the raising of your children. The naming of those children is not one of them. Tim’s list seems to adhere to all my rules. Fionnuala’s parents better have some Irish blood in them, though. You’d think I’d object to Hennessy (an Irish family name by origin, and a cognac), but it sounds to me like a last-name-as-first-name deal. I generally don’t object to these (they were a real trend in the nineties), as they tend to sound genuine and dignified. See also Mackenzie, Harrison, Stewart, etc.

I can feel the warmth of the flames of the world’s Brendi’s and Laquishita’s even now.

Comments: 34 Responses so far

Lara
September 20th, 2004
7:06 am

As someone who has spent her life saying, “No, it’s Lara, not Laura,” let me implore the parents of the world: Give your kid a name that’s pronounced the way it is spelled!!!

And if you have a ridiculously hard-to-say/spell last name (mine has two Z’s), stick to simple first names. No goofy spellings, no four-syllable Victorian romance novel things. Your child will thank you for it when she moves to her first apartment and has to say & spell her name 47 times.

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Olaf
September 20th, 2004
7:14 am

My wife and I named our son, “Balthazar.” This name is ethnically incorrect, and possibly greatly exemplified by his red hair. That’s okay though, for his middle name is “Rowan,” which better suits his features. The real crux is the pronunciation though. My wife translates the “th” into a hard “t” while I keep it true to the “th” sound. Being raised with a funny name, I know a little of what it’s like. I had my issues when I was younger, but I really appreciate my name now. It could very well be different had my name been “made-up” or spelled stupidly.

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alexis
September 20th, 2004
8:42 am

It seems that the trend in recent years is a return to the more biblical and traditional name. Top baby names in the last few years include Emily, Emma, Hannah, Jacob etc.

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Jen
September 20th, 2004
12:32 pm

I also have to say - check out recent naming trends, and STAY AWAY! Nothing is more annoying than having a name so common that you can’t help but develop whiplash because you hear it and instinctively turn towards it 12 times a day. Also, it forces people to create “nicknames,” either associated with your name or not, to differentiate you from all the others who have your name.

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julie
September 20th, 2004
1:43 pm

Think my family could have used a little more creativity.

Jean and James had James, Jeanette, Jo-Anne and John. Jeanette in turn had me. Jeanette and Jo-Anne both gave their three daughters the middle name, Anne.

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Everything Is In/Flux
September 20th, 2004
2:16 pm

The naming of children

Darren has a nice set of guidelines when it comes to naming your children.
Do not draw on an ethnic tradition that is not your own. This to me smacks of cultural imperialism and a kind of yearning for deeper roots. As a Canadian of many generations, …

Five Live Links
September 20th, 2004
4:03 pm

Windows Media File of a guy demonstrating a cheap midi keyboard. Watch the whole thing.

Thanks, Darren!…

colene
September 20th, 2004
5:41 pm

I am a shining example of rule #2.

damn my parents.

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Mel
September 20th, 2004
8:41 pm

I had a friend in high school whose parents named all 5 kids in their family with ‘A’ names. Andrea, Aaron, Adam, Ashley, and Aarika (pronounced Erica). Maybe they were thinking of the kids’ place on the attendance list. Who knows.

Oh, and another rule (unrelated to the above). Don’t name your kid a name that is most traditionally used for the opposite sex. Boys shouldn’t be named Ashley, and girls shouldn’t be named Tony.

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bree
September 21st, 2004
9:06 am

Ashley is a boy’s name. In Gone With the Wind (presumably written & set before the genderbending name trend) Scarlett’s crush is named Ashley.

Kelly is another girl’s name that’s also a legitimate boy’s name, if uncommon.

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Staci
September 21st, 2004
9:55 pm

Oh, I so agree. I don’t even correct people when the misspell my name anymore. Who has the energy?

And I have to agree with Jen about the problem of having a common name. There were 100 people in my high school class, and six of us were named Staci (all spelled differently, of course). And that’s not counting all the Stacis in other classes.

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Glenn
September 22nd, 2004
3:54 am

My mum is called Mhairi - not too uncommon, but when pronounced “Var-ree” as she does, almost impossible to guess the spelling of.

In fact my Grandmother, her mum, was so adamant that she didn’t want to name her daughter this my grandad practically did it in secret.

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Meiloyn
June 3rd, 2006
7:27 pm

I am named “Anne”. I have already felt the misfortune of being one of the two Annes in a class, and I found it quite annoying. I am also absolutely tired of turning my head when someone says, “And”, commonly silencing the d. I tired of this so much that I told everyone to call me Anna instead, which was easier to differ from the word “and”.

But I still ran into the problem of being “one of the Anna’s” in the school, I decided that I will never, ever name any character of mine a common name. (I will never have children) To add to that, most of the characters I created usually have names with meanings. I usually go through a lot of thought when naming someone.

My friend, Amy, calls herself by the Japanese counterpart of her name, Ami, even though she’s not Japanese. She just thinks that the name looks and sounds a lot better. (Ei-mi, Amy. Ah-mi, Ami.)

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Kaitlyn
August 17th, 2006
3:18 pm

My Family Has a Lot of K’s

For Example: Kelly, Kaitlyn, Kayla, Kyle, Kristina, Kathy, Kirt, Kiara

Also My Half Brother Tim is Getting Married to a Girl Named Tiffany … They Said That They Are NOT Going to Name Their Child That Starts With a T!

And My Great Grandpa, My Grandpa, and My Dad are ALL Named James Gordon Leask … and They ALL Have the Name Gord! Thank God My Brother’s Name is Cody!

Also My Other Grandpa, My Uncle, and My Cousin ALL Have the Middle Name Edmund!

My Advice For People is to Name Their Child So That It Doesn’t Blend In With Your Family!

Example: If You Have a Lot of B’s in Your Family, Name Your Child With an A or a J or Whatever So Long as It’s Not B!

If You and Your Husband/Wife are Named John and Emma or Something Biblical/Common, Maybe Name Your Child With a Unique Name So Long As It’s Say-able and Spell-able

Example: Orlando or Ember or You Know!

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TIFFANY
October 4th, 2006
10:42 am

YEAH… MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE THIS FRIEND WE WANT TO KICK IN THE @SS… SHE’S ALWAYS TRYING TO BE EXTRAVAGENT BUT IT SEEMS TO CLASH WITH HER AND MAKE HER LOOK COMPLETELY RETARDED… HER FIRST SON’S NAME: DALTON… DALL-TON?? THE SECOND… DUNCAN..LIKE THE FRANCHISE? OH… NO I’M SORRY, LIKE YOUR FAMILY PET! YES, THAT’S RIGHT… THE DOGS DAME IS DUNCAN.. OH WAIT AND THERE’S MORE! YEP..EXPECTING ANOTHER AND IT’LL EITHER BE WADE OR SHEA! THINK THIS IS SOME FOLK LIVIN’ OUT ON A DUDE RANCH SOMEWHERE? IT’S NOT… SHE LIVES OF THE INTERSTATE IN NJ… HA. GOD FIGURE. POOOOOOOOOOOOR KIDS.

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Kaitlyn
February 4th, 2007
8:02 am

There’s a girl in one of my classes, ceara (key-ra) and everyone pronounces it si-ara! I think she’s fed up with it! So like a lot of people have said already, name your child so that it is say-able and spell-able.

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Thoren
March 13th, 2007
1:31 pm

The trend I detest with the current popular names is the variant of “*ayden”

Among the top baby names in the US last year were hayden, braiden, brayden, jayden, caiden, cayden, aiden, etc. bleh.

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Kaitlyn
March 24th, 2007
8:28 am

I know a jaidan and a kaiden … I don’t like them (jaidan’s OK, but still) so I would also say don’t name your baby with a name of a person you hate, even if you like the name.

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SweetPete
August 29th, 2007
1:51 pm

RE: http://www.darrenbarefoot.com/archives/2004/09/naming-your-children.html

I like Penn (magician of Penn&Teller) how he named his kid “Moxie Crimefighter Penn.”

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Megan
March 6th, 2008
2:22 pm

I come from an Irish family, and there was a HUGE debate over how to spell my name. Megen. Meghan. Meagan. Meaghan. Finally, after I was delivered, my mom decided it would be best to give me the simplest spelling of the name. The only problem is, everybody spells it Meghan…Which I hate. I have a lot of friends from other countries and I do LOVE when they pronounce it MEE-gan, rather than MAY-gan.

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Jenn (with 2 ns)
March 14th, 2008
9:41 am

I love names and how they are chosen. I, myself, cherish family names. I did find myself in a predicament when I was pregnant with my second child however. My eldest daugher is named Mary….I know, terribly common, but a tribute to my own mother. My second child was predicted to be a boy. I truly love the name Joseph and decided that would be the right name for my son. One night I woke in a shock…..Mary and Joseph????? We were going to have to get a dog and name it Jesus!! Thank God my second child turned out to be a girl, who we named Leila after her father’s aunt. Although a very common spelling, she runs into issues with people knowing how to say or write her name. Oh well, I guess there is no true mercy after all.

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how fun
March 17th, 2008
1:57 pm

hooooooooooooooooooooooow fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuin

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Anthony
April 27th, 2008
7:13 pm

Juna Forrest Bohdi Patella-Ross. What do you think? Boy’s name.

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Megen
May 5th, 2008
1:40 pm

I agree with all….spell your kids name just the ways its supposed to be…who knew one little letter could cause so many probs….my parents thought MEGEN was norm - everyone spells it wrong.. an instead of en…or they say meee-gen insted of MAY-gan….I could say en over and over and ppl still put an….its messed up things like taxes and such

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geoff
August 6th, 2008
9:01 pm

Goddamn I hate my fucking name. I’m sick of people saying “GEE-OFF” with either a hard or soft G. IT’S JEFF, AND YES I’VE HATED IT SINCE I LEARNED HOW TO SPELL IT.

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Just a normal parent
September 15th, 2008
4:05 pm

Here’s a thought. Name your kid what you want.

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Shannon
November 19th, 2008
11:41 am

My boyfriend’s name: Daniel Thomas
My boyfriend’s brother’s name: Donald Timothy

Not bad when they use their full names, but when you think of the shortened versions: Dan Tom and Don Tim… come on. Not to mention, Dan and Don? Hard to separate the two!

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Angelfire
December 21st, 2008
3:30 pm

There is a boy called Jayden in my class and he has 4 little brothers and sisters. 3 of them are triplets and are called Jarryn, Keidan and Shiarne (Shiarne is the girl, the other two are boys) The other girl is called Tanashae. Their mother is called Annalea (don’t know what the father is called) and they are NOT mainly from any ethnic background.

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Lleashan
December 21st, 2008
3:31 pm

I hate my name (I am a girl) DAMN MY PARENTS

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Hanna
December 23rd, 2008
6:14 am

my mom spelled my name really weird. Hanna instead of Hannah. so, i get the abnormal name, whilst my brother gets jack! (but i dont blame his middle name-Harden!)

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Ava
December 26th, 2008
2:17 pm

When my mother named me, she never knew a single person named Ava. Now Ava has been the most popular girls name for the past three years. Every one in three people I babysit has there name spelled Ava or Eva. At least I was the only Ava in school. That was nice of the world. :) and :(

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Kate
February 20th, 2009
10:13 am

For a girl:
Raegyn Cheyne
Cheyne Destiny
Kaelan (or Kaylin) Bailey
Trinity Mae
Sedona Layne (Lanie)
Chase (iffie) Melissa
Boy:
Chase William
Danny Kauffman (family name)
Fallon Jacob
PLEASE REPLY!

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ScottNM
May 14th, 2009
5:32 pm

First place for the worst name ever: Genocide.

2nd place: Sexxy.

I’m being totally serious, I saw the name on medical cards and prescriptions. If you give your baby a name like this, you should be convicted for child abuse.

No one gets hurt when someone chooses an alternate spelling or there is a polite family debate about an h in Hanna or Megan. Calling a baby Sexxy or putting Genocide on a cake is beyond sick.

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Mary Reply:
August 19th, 2009 at 11:51 pm

Sexxy? What’s the child’s full name? Sexual, middle name, Harassment because that’s all that child is going to get, especially when that child goes for a job and has the name Sexxy on the name tag they have to wear for work. What were those parents thinking? “Hmm.. I’d like for my child to grow up in the sex industry (stripper, prostitute, phone sex operator or porn star), so I think I’ll name it Sexxy.” What other career could that child possibly go into easily besides one in the sex industry? Can you imagine walking into a store and being helped by someone with Sexxy on their name tag? Or having it paged over a loudspeaker? Or having to introduce yourself over the phone for a company your representing? Did those parents ever stop to think their child might want to become a senator or President? Senator Sexxy? President Sexxy? I don’t think so. Such a shame.

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